Soul lessons #1 and #2

Just like people, I think books come into your life for a reason. To entertain you, bore you into doing something else or teach you.. inspire you.

A friend brought a book over for me to ruin (that is what she said.. but i'll try not to) called "SOUL: Lessons and Soul Purpose." It's one of those books along the same vein as all the other spiritual self help books.. such as The Celestine Prophecy, or Journey to the 9th Planet (also called the Thiaoouba Prophecy or something like that), the Alchemist and so on.

 

I started reading it tonight. It speaks to me. So I kept reading. And for the sake of spiritual growth, I thought I would put a few things down here.. for me to think about. There are 22 lessons... so we'll see how I go - if this is another one of those things I start but don't finish.

Lesson #1 - You are a Divine Immortal Being

Your purpose - To love yourself as God loves you.

Here I am an Apprentice - I have heard of this before, but I a starting to accept it - but it doesn't feel like it applies to me, or that I am capable of being a divine immortal being. I am too concerned with others' opinions of me and my external appearance.

How Celestine. That's all I will say - even though this blog is for my confessions. Oh alright - yes yes. I do care what others think. I can't stand the fact that they think the wrong things about me - even if their opinions are partly because of my behaviour towards thems. I feel hate because they influence the way others think of me.

And I am concerned with my external appearance! I have been expending so much energy on losing weight, and beating myself up for not doing that, or sticking with it. Energy I could use elsewhere.... I keep telling myself and others that it really is all in the mind - so I need to re-frame the way I am trying to lose weight - I need to work on my mind. I keep thinking that I will be so happy when I have lost it - but I want to be happy now. Surely it would come from happiness in a more natural and pleasureable way? So if I fix my mind - heal my soul - then maybe losing weight will become less of a struggle. Because really, my weight is a reflection of my sadness.

• Focus on the things you love and appreciate about yourself, doing so out loud and often
• Vocally give yourself approval
• Take the time to notice the activities that bring you peace and do them
• Affirm that you are loved by your Creator

Lesson #2 - You are a Divine Co-Creator

Your purpose - In fully accepting your creative power, You honour and respect your soul and remind others to do the same.

I am an Apprentice here too - I find the idea encouraging, but have those doubts that I can actually change my world. I start reading self-help books but don't finish them, the ideas are fun but I don't take them too seriously - enough to act on them. I think I may be borderline Journeyman as well - I do accept resonsibility for my life and mmy choices, and where they lead me now - and I am ready to move forward and create a better, happier life.

This reminds me of a book I have somewhere called Synchrodestiny by Deepak Chopra. Its an interesting book, which.. haha ... I have started reading a few times.. and never finished. I don't think I have made it through half of the book. I love Synchronicity. I do recognise how my choices have brought me here, and I know I have the power to change - it is a matter of manifesting those thoughts into reality - and stopping the self-doubt and other ego distractions from getting in the way.

• Make a list of the things you want to accomplish now, and measure the amount of enthusiasm that each goal inspires in you.
• Only pursue those desires that greatly excite you, forget the rest for now.
• Talk only about your successes. Be silent about your failures.
• Think of creating as playing with a magic wand. What possibilities would you like to develop right now?

The above are the actions for the Apprentice - Below are those for the Journeyman... I will do those too and then get back to you in a week :) So long as my friend doesn't want her book back - in which case I'll make her let me scan it :s

• Every night before going to bed, jot down your days creations
• Make two columns: In column A, list successes and satisfying manifestations; in column B, describe bloopers
• Next to the achievements in column A, note several things you did to bring them abut. In column B, write down a few things you did or failed to do that caused disappointment.
• List those positive patterns that will lead to more happiness and accomplishment.
• name the areas in which you are creatively strong and those which you struggle.
• Look for negative habits that hinder your efforts to achieve your desires and that are absent with regard to your successes. 

Sounds complicated. Like I said, I am borderline, if anything. This reminds me of those gratitude journals. Might be interesting.

Holding onto some kind of hope

Dear xxxx,

My name is xxxx xxxx and I am looking for my biological father. I was born in 1981 in xxxx, Qld. My Mother’s name was xxxx xxxx, and at the time I believe she lived in xxxx Rd, xxxx.

The reason I am writing to you is that Mum said that my fathers’ name was xxxx xxxx, and he lived in xxxx St, xxxx. I have done a name search on the electoral roll for 1980 in xxxx, and saw there was a xxxx xxxx xxxx living there. I then did a current name/address search and your address came up.

I am writing to find out if you are my biological father. I will only write this letter once, because I believe in fate, and I do realise that my existence may not be something that xxxx has shared with his family. I believe his parents knew, and I don’t have any more information than that.

I understand that if you are my biological father, you may not have any interest in meeting me. That’s ok. But if you don’t mind, would you please confirm that I have (or haven’t) found you so that I may stop looking?

Also, if you are open to a conversation with me, would you be prepared to share some information about your family history? I have been tracing my family tree and half of it is blank! Any major hereditary health concerns would be appreciated too J

I did not know that my Step-father was not my biological father until I was 25. It was kind of a shock, but I think I always knew. I once saw xxxx, who worked for the Brisbane City Council, in the mid- 1990s, working on the road outside our house. Mum saw him and waved, and that was it. I did not know or I would have said hello.

If you would like to contact me, my mobile is (blah blah). My address is (blah blah blah).  In case you are interested, I have 2 children, aged 4 and 5, and I am graduating this year with a law degree. I’m also happy and content with my life, so you know I have turned out ok. J

Thanks for your time,

xxxx xxxx 

        ***********************************************************************


He responded, answered some questions and showed a glimpse of himself through text messages. Though nothing has come of it, I am truly thankful that he was brave enough to respond. Especially since he obviously knew my mother ;p Life happens. I know that. Some part of me wants to be accepted, because I never was. There has always been an unspoken condition. That is my narrative.

Its time to burn the books.

And the Universe works in mysterious ways. I don't think I could ever express my gratitude to the family members who found me,  and the peace they have brought to my heart. Photos, stories, medical histories... its almost like the Universe is saying, "Look, you aren't going to win this round, but I'll get you the info you need to move on... yes.. you have a german connection.. now go back to sleep."


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31st May 2014

So this is sort of an update.

I have become good friends with one of his cousins over the last year or so, sharing lives through facebook; she is a very special lady and I feel like I have known her forever. Similar personalities, similar senses of humour. And she seems to really like me, which is touching :) I have nothing but admiration for her... and if she reads this, I hope she knows she means a lot to me :)

Sadly, my biological father died last week. I never met him. I don't know how sudden it was, whether he or his immediate family knew he was that sick, but I was told over a week ago that he was in intensive care. And then the message last weekend that he died.

I never got the chance to meet him.

This saddens me, but I'm actually ok with it. I feel wistful. I don't feel angry, or rejected, or anything negative. If it really matters, I forgive him. I hope he forgives me. He abandoned my mother when she was pregnant, and he rejected me too when I found him. It does sound really harsh when you put it that way, but I honestly harbour no ill feelings.

I have looked deep into myself. Part of me doesn't feel like I have a right to mourn, we never bonded; But then a part of me feels connected to him. I don't know why  - maybe it is cell memory in my DNA.

I would like to meet my half-sister, but she is young, and going through the loss of her father, so now is not really the time. I will pass on my contact details and leave the rest to her. She may never contact me, but I will always be here if she does. I hope she has a wonderful life and feels his loving energy forever. I hope she fulfils her dreams, lives a long healthy happy life. Smiles a lot and travels. Connects with her higher self lol and I hopes she knows she is Divine.

I'm not looking for acceptance, though I don't want to be rejected. I'm so nervous about the funeral... lol I'm sure the family have much more dignity than to yell me out of there. I hope no one notices me. I hope no one approaches me. I'm stoic now, but I'm afraid I'll cry and then know that they feel I have no right to cry. Sounds weird hey?

I don't want sympathy, it's not about me. All I wanted was to know him. Know who he was. Were our mannerisms the same? Did we share facial expressions? What was he like as a person? And really, what better way to find out than to go to the funeral where people who loved him will talk... and no one will say bad things, so my lasting memories of 'him' will be good... logic!

ok, im going to bed. its late. Just felt like updating this :)

ciao for now

Celestine

So there has been a lot of death around lately, and weirdly in this blog! What a morbid recurring theme.

Over the last couple of nights, I've dreamt that we had a girl fish, and she died and I couldn't save her. I also dreamt that Spidey, the 6 legged little huntsman who lives somewhere around us, was dead in our bathtub. Today I find out that a neighbours' dog died (I reckon poisoned) last night, and a friend of mine just lost her baby girl halfway through the pregnancy.

Such sadness. A sad Celestine.   

p.s Nanna died 1 May 2001.. 11 years ago..

The dick

My car has finally had the dick. I love that saying... when my mother first said something had the dick it took me a couple of minutes to realise what she meant. But she also used the term dic to refer to her dictionaries... She used to be really into crosswords, and often would yell out for me to bring her the big dic or the small dic. I found her small dic the other day while moving.. I put it in the car and kept it for her... :) She is now reunited with the small dic, but has left it on my dining room table...

I could see the proverbial dick coming for my car for a while... bless her rusted out soul... its an '87 Laser, and it used to run a lot better than it looked. Now it looks about how it runs! Or doesnt. The brakes had been going funny for the last few days, maybe weeks, I can't remember. A few times last week it would screach to a halt if i slammed the brakes on... I literally had about 3 close calls with the cars in front... I must seriously have angels watching over me... I really cant afford to pay off another insurance company.

Yesterday, after arriving home, from a 2 hour drive to BoganLogan and back, the car was hissing and steaming  in a way that almost felt suggestive, like a "was it good for you?" type of way... but really it was like a "Phew! Made it!" Allan poured coolant in it.. I went to work driving a lot more carefully than I think I ever have... you know, observing the speed limit, slowing down well before really necessary, pretending you dont notice other drivers gawking at you as they pass to see whether your old, asian or a woman.... (surely im one of those)... And then when I got home, the car was at it again...

Today i was going to drive to Val's and return her True Blood DVDs (no not really.. but intention is as good as the crime as far as im concerned)... when I decided to fill the radiator, and found the coolant pissing out of a leak in the rusted out water thing attached to the engine. The hose was broken and yeah... the thing it attaches to is rusted with a hole in it...

I really dont think its worth fixing.. I just wanted to make it to the end of the month - tax time! I'll get a new old car.. hey, maybe even something built in the last 10 years! I'll be lucky if I can get $50 for it at the wreckers...

so as an ode to my white '87 laser... I just wanted to list the things about it I loved
1. The price.. I paid $850 for it, including rego.. with my tax cheque 2 years ago :) unfortunately the yearly rego was about that too.. worth way more than the car :)

2. The stereo.. still awesome CD player with remote.. oh good tines...

3. The fact that I would get at least 10km to the L of petrol... to someone who had never had her own car, I thought it was great! I never ran out of petrol once!

4. Other drivers would avoid me... Im not sure if it was because they found a better parking spot or not, or whether it was the big dent on the front right panel, the smashed out front right indicator light, the bumpy and dented bonnet, which I might add, the previous owner had sporadically spray painted over the rust, the playboy bunny sticker on the back window, the rusty front metal guard thing underneath the bumper, the sound of the car, or the fact that I would not make eye contact with them.

5. The thick rubber bumper... um awesome! I once ran up the back of someone (well it was more a bump that cost me $600.. yet to finish paying - end of july i think).. the impact is what caused the aforementioned indicator light to break.. but the bumper didnt even move :) I later (maybe a month or so) hit one of those waist high yellow cement poles while backing out (of course i was looking! ) and there was no damage whatso ever... or that i could tell :)

well I think I may just put her out of her misery.. i live near a train station.. its all good :)