sha la la

Everyday I look at the world from my window....

There is a story I want to tell. It is inside me. It could be my story, but I havent reached that happy ending yet.... so its not ready. I have climbed my family tree, nestled in its branches and become fascinated by some of the stories there.


I want to explore them. I feel connected to them. I want to be loved by them. Impossible, I know, when you consider time and space... but is it so impossible? Could I meet these people somewhere in my own personal dreamscapes?

I believe you can do almost anything in your dreamscapes....  and it can be therapeutic!

I was overseas when my beloved Nanna died. We had a special bond. We also had my mother in common. I dream of her often. She was our angel. She kept our family together. She had cancer in the 1980s, lived but it came back towards the end. One day, Nanna, Mum and I were sitting around the kitchen table having a cuppa.

I didn't believe she would die. I had discovered dreaming a couple of years before and being the opportunist that I am, I shared with Nanna what I had read. I asked her if she would contact me in my dreams, if she ever died. I was serious, and she shook her head. I remember asking her, that if she could, if it was possible - could she do it?

Closed minds would shrug this off. Old saggy horsey face school mums would probably accuse me of witchcraft.

Nanna knew she was going. The last time I saw her, she was really sick. She looked grey. It was my bon voyage party. I told her I would see her in 6 months. She said I hope so.

This isnt meant to be a depressing blog! You haven't reached the end yet!

Three months after she died, I was in Sylt, Germany. I sat on the beach with 2 friends till after midnight, playing around in the waning sun... it felt like it would last forever. That night, she came.

I walked into the kitchen. Mum says something, and I tell her, You just sounded like Nanna then. And it is her. I am suprised, Nanna! We hug. She holds me, and I said I thought you were gone. We talk about Mum. Nanna asks me if I want to meet somebody. We go outside, and an old lady with blue eyes is in the passenger seat of a white car. We meet. She is Nanna's mother. It was great to meet her. Then they are gone.

It was her. I don't care what people say. It wasn't my psyche regurgitating the day's events. It wasn't the 'Nanna in me' that needed to be expressed.

And she has visited me about 4-5 times since then. That I remember. I've met her on stairs, me coming up them, her coming down - we met in the middle and she was young again, and in a beautiful purple sparkly gown. I have asked her what heaven is like and she has told me, both of us knowing I will not remember in the morning. I even recall telling her how good her analogy was, and that I would definately remember that one. I didn't.

Now, when she comes, I'm not even suprised. I think she is still my angel. She has to be somewhere. As much as I question Heaven and Hell... I still want to believe she is around. Even if it is just in my human memories that keep her alive.

But then, if that is the case, am I holding her back? You know that Aboriginal belief in not taking photos of someone cos it traps their soul on this earthly plain? I do believe that heaven and hell are subjective.. so I don't really think I've trapped her here :) Maybe she will just have to come back and claim her soul...

Maybe she already has.. and has stayed for another ride :) Monique is a Cancerian too....

A letter to her... wherever she may be

Oh, Nanna. I miss you.
I was standing in the kitchen making the kids' and Allan's lunches for tomorrow, with the troubling thoughts of stupid school yard politics in my head and I just thought... if only I could hear the words of a wise old woman right now. And tears flow...

I remember sitting on your bed, Mothers' Day 1999 - and I had just turned 18. You had given me a necklace - a gold cross. Mum, Jesse and I had arrived and I was in trouble from Mum cos I was seeing Steve, who she hated with a passion, and I had lied about it. She had been yelling and screaming at me all the way to your place. By the time we arrived, my eyes were red and puffy. You took me in your room. You put your arm around me, as we sat on the edge of your bed and you just said "Is it worth it?" and honestly, I said no. It wasn't.

You were right. I knew that then.  And hearing you say those words, you are right now. I miss you. There is such a gulf between Mum and I.. I don't know what to do. I spent my whole life wishing she was like you. I wish to this day, that my kids got to have a Nanna like you. You were an angel who looked after all of us - you and your toolbox. :) You held us altogether. We were a family. And now, we really are all different ships in the night and I know that would make you sad. But I'm pretty sure you would ask us if it is worth it? Maybe not suddenly being together and spending holidays with each other like one big happy family - but is it worth holding onto the anger and resentment for things that have not been.. and will never be?

Of course the answer is no. But if you were here, she would come back. She would be a Nanna.

Finishing up the lunches, I remember that Pa is gone too - hopefully somewhere playing cards with you in the celestial heavens. I dont even know if you guys ever played cards - Euchre or Canasta or something. Its just one of those images that come to my mind. And remembering that Pa is gone, makes the tears flow harder.. like sentient beings that are running from my brain... let me go, they say.

I don't know how to let go. I look out the window at night, and see the park and I feel so alone. It's so hard to be strong when you feel so empty inside.

I saw you the other night, while I was dreaming. We were on bleachers somewhere. I had arrived with my biological father... I saw you, put my arm around you and said "Hey Nanna, how are ya?" and I kissed you on the cheek near your ear. Remembering that makes me feel happy.

I replanted your orchards too. They are now in two hanging plant things outside the window, between me and the park. I hope they bloom again :)

I love you. Don't worry about me. I will be at peace.

Your Darling Girl.

a little sparrow keeps calling...

I think I read somewhere that there was a superstition that sparrows were a sign of an impending death. Do we even have sparrows in Australia? Yes I am a graduate, but not in Maths.

Nanna and I, 1997

Personal jokes that no one really gets aside, I just wanted to make a public declaration about Edith Piaf.  I cannot confess to know everything about her, or even the words to her songs. But I love her. Maybe I'm perpetuating this love because Nanna loved her. She gave me her Edith Piaf CD once. That and two records - the Hair soundtrack and best of Janis Joplin. Me and Bobby McGee was one of her favourite songs.

The earth says hello indeed  

There are two songs by La Môme Piaf that I love. Always will. I've already decided that La vie en Rose will be the song Allan and I have as our first waltz when (if) we get married. He knows and has accepted this.  Also, I would like to suggest that Non je ne Regrette Rien be played at my funeral. And everyone must sit there and listen, even if it is in french. I will provide an english translation. :) No, I am not a control freak!

Edith Piaf

So you, my dear reader, need to google the two songs - and make sure you listen to the Edith Piaf versions. And watch the movie, La Vie en Rose. Marion Cotillard is haunting. Beautiful.  I cry when she wakes from sleep and is still dreaming, I cry when she sings non, je ne regrette rien. I wonder about the scene at the end.. and her daughter Marcelle. Her love affair with Marcel. As I was watching it, I wondered if Nanna knew about her addictions. 





Here's a tangent - about my virtuous grandmother being exposed to life's seedy underbelly. We were watching My Own Private Idaho together when I was 17. I forgot about the gay sex scenes. Awwwwkward. But Nanna sat through the movie. I wonder what she thought. I was horrified. At the end, all she said was "Well I'll tape over that before Trevor sees it". Good idea :)

I want to put the english lyrics here - I've noticed the french and english versions differ - I like them both and havent decided on which one I would sing :) I dont know french, and I cant sing - but if it was my wedding - everyone would have to watch and say it is great anyway :) Thats the polite thing to do. :)

La Vie en Rose

Hold me close and hold me fast

the magic spell you cast

this is La Vie en Rose

When you kiss me heaven sighs

And though I close my eyes

I see La Vie en Rose

When you press me to your heart

I'm in a world apart

A world where roses bloom

And when you speak ... angels sing from above

Everyday words seem to turn into love songs

Give your heart and soul to me

And life will always be

La Vie en Rose

The lyrics are pretty and make you feel romantic - but I still like the French too. It feels romantic :) And when you dont understand the language, well thats when you hear the sentiment. Your imaginings create the scenery of the song ... 

Marion Cotillard, La Vie en Rose

When he takes me in his arms
And speaks softly to me,
I see life in rosy hues.

He tells me words of love,
Words of every day,
And in them I become something.
He has entered my heart,
A part of happiness
Whereof I understand the reason.

It’s he for me and I for him, throughout life,
He has told me, he has sworn to me, for life.
And from the things that I sense,
Now I can feel within me
My heart that beats. 

And really, I hope that when I take my last breath, I will not regret anything I've done.. or not done. Im 31 now, and there are already those little pangs.. which really are just longings and sadnesses - but when I'm 90 - I hope that all they are, are snapshots of time that I cant really piece together anyway. This will be my song :)

Non, Je ne Regrette Rien (I regret nothing)

Non, rien de rien, (No, Nothing at all)
Non, je ne regrette rien, (No, I regret nothing)
Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait, (Neither the good)
Ni le mal, tout ça m'est bien égal. (Nor the bad, they are
the same to me)

Non, rien de rien, (No, nothing at all)
Non, je ne regrette rien, (No, I regret nothing)
C'est payé, (It's been paid for)
balayé, oublié, (swept away, forgotten)
Je me fous du passé. (I don't give a damn about the past)

Avec mes souvenirs, (My memories)
j'ai allumé le feu, (I have burnt my memories)
Mes chagrins, mes plaisirs, (My sorrows, my pleasures)
je n'ai plus besoin d'eux, (I don't need them anymore)
Balayées les amours, (Swept away the love affairs)
avec leurs trémolos, (and all their tremblings)
Balayées pour toujours, (Swept away forever)
je repars à zéro (I start anew)

Non, rien de rien, (No, nothing at all)
Non, je ne regrette rien, (No, I regret nothing at all)
Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait, (Neither the good)
Ni le mal, tout ça m'est bien égal. (nor the bad, they are all the same to me)

Non, rien de rien, (No, nothing at all)
Non, je ne regrette rien, (No, I regret nothing at all)
Car ma vie car mes joies, (For my life, for my joys)
Aujourd'hui, (Today)
ça commence avec toi. (they start with you).

I suppose that while I'm here, discussing my own funeral, that I would like to be cremated. I want my ashes sprinkled in a rainforest. If it cant be a real tropical rainforest, then somewhere on Mt Glorious. My Nanna's name was Gloria. They wrote songs about her :) 

My Family Tree

I just want to say happy birthday to my Great Grandfather, Mr Harry Thompson. He was born on the 1st April , 1886 in Sebastian, Victoria - just north of Bendigo.
Apparently he had kissable lips - so says my Aunty Linda.. that's not strange is it?


He was one of 11 children (oh those were the days) and became an ANZAC in New Zealand, where he met my Great Grandmother, Catherine and married her in Reefton, NZ in 1921. After moving back to Bendigo, they raised 12 children together, one of whom was my dearly departed Nanna. He died in 1958 -before my mother and I were born.


I look at his photo and wonder about him. What was he like? Did he have a sense of humour? Was he charming? I should really try and find out :)