The serendipity of Time

I don’t know about you, but I seem to live my life by dates. Christmas, New Years’ Eve, the new school year, Easter, birthdays, school holidays, deadlines for assignments, for bills.. there can even be a countdown to next payday! Sometimes it feels like you’ve just managed to scrape through one thing when the next starts looming over the horizon. Someone needs to schedule some time for a coffee! If you are lucky, then the birthdays in your family are spread out over the year, with nice, even and courteous month long gaps in between. But everyone I know seems to have birthday clusters… ours are all from April - June. Time flies when you are having a life!

I won’t mention the C-word again. You know the one. With that S-guy? With lay-bys collected last minute. Rushing around for two weeks to spend a day with family. The irony is we are supposed to be enjoying the holiday season; the fact is we all get stressed out. You can tell yourself you will be nice to your mother as much as you want, but when she walks in that door knowing best and making sure you know she knows best… That’s when the crazy starts to bubble. And surely I’m not the only one who has been up past midnight, wrapping presents with images of how happy and grateful the kids will be ..only to listen to them argue over who plays with what while you are picking up all the paper a few hours later thinking "Thank God that’s over!"

I hate buying gifts for my partner. Socks and undies are easy. Everyone needs those. Gifts for the family are usually those tins of butter cookies that only appear on the shelves during Christmas. It is hard not to spend every last dollar on presents for the kids – and they are at the age where they are easy to buy for.. But time will take that from me too. It’s the innocence of children that time steals from us. My little man had his heart set on being a Power Ranger when he grew up. I had to be the one to break his heart and confirm that they weren’t real. He was devastated, but after explaining that they were actors and actors get to do really cool stuff, he brightened up – especially when I mentioned ‘Back to the Future’. Though we haven’t reached the subject of time travel yet – so I’m probably going to disappoint him again very soon! It’s sad how time ages us. The excitement and joy that kids feel at Christmastime brings us back to that lost time of wonder where happiness is simple, and infectious!

Time can be so repetitive… which is weird if every moment is a new one. There is nothing more repetitive than New Year’s Resolutions. Einstein might have said, ‘Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.’ To be honest, my resolutions for the last 10 years have been to lose weight. Year after year I promise myself that I will do it – and never really have. This year, for the first time, I discovered the ‘fun’ in fun runs, so my resolution next year is to do five fun runs, all courteously spaced out a couple of months apart.

Holidays always make me feel like I have more time than I actually do. At the beginning my mind lights up with possibilities. One day, I really will learn French. I will start writing that novel, break old habits and form new ones (like going to bed before midnight!) and somehow have the most fun ever with the kids. Before you know it, the holidays are over, and you end up shoving those half-started projects aside to make school lunches.

I heard that time goes faster as you get older… perhaps because one day you wake up and a decade has gone by. Or because you have already lived 60 years, so there is less time ahead of you… even the concept of time is wacky, especially if you ask yourself whether it exists purely as a human construct for ordering events past, present and future, or as something of itself. Mmm. Too much existentialism right now. Where’s that coffee?

 

I couldn't resist putting Time by Pink Floyd in here... it's definitely is one of those songs that bring back your youth ;p

The new issue of Hazed will be out tomorrow... can't wait to see the second instalment of Serendipity. I'm feeling a little anxious, hope people will like it :) It's hard writing a column, but I like it! It definately helps to have a great Editor :)

Eclipse

 

Eclipse, Cairns, 2012. (AAP Image/Brian Cassey) 

 

All that you touch
All that you see
All that you taste
All you feel.
All that you love
All that you hate
All you distrust
All you save.
All that you give
All that you deal
All that you buy
Beg borrow or steal.
All you create
All you destroy
All that you do
All that you say.
All that you eat
And everyone you meet
All that you slight
And everyone you fight.
All that is now
All that is gone
All that's to come
And everything under the sun is in tune
But the sun is eclipsed by the moon.

Pink Floyd

 

 

 

For posterity

I don't want to forget this. In case he becomes a famous author, and Ellen asks me what his first story was about.

And I wish I had written it down when he read it to me, so that I could remember it exactly.

The little crocodile who couldn't find his mum.

 

There was once a little crocodile who couldn't find his mum anywhere. He looked for her and went to a pond. In the pond he saw a frog. The frog scared him so he ran away. Then he found his mum.

 

The End

 

 

I'm pretty sure there was dialogue. And Zeke was young when he typed this out on the computer. I think he was 3. It was definately over a year ago! Maybe he is the famous author to be??

 

 



Where have you been all my life???

In a creepy way

I don't even know how that started, but she was there. And today it is her birthday. I still owe her a story that I was going to write for her featuring the colour yellow, a knife and two names of people she didn't know.. cos THAT would be creepy ;p There is a poem somewhere I wrote for her, and there are always little things that make me grin sardonically to myself... and if she was there, she would think so too.

That is definately one of the things I love about her. She gets me. It really isn't that hard. Some people just don't get basic humour. And in the back of my mind even now I can hear her saying 'Some people just aren't that deep' (to get, that is.. and she would be meaning me).

I'm really sorry I didn't go to your graduation dinner, especially after you delayed it so I would get there.. and sorry for using 'being busy at work all day cos you were graduating' as an excuse. That's pretty shit. And I think I know that really big news you wanted to tell me that time, but didn't cos I can't really keep secrets :) (I have gotten a lot better at that by the way!)

I remember one of my first thoughts when I met Madame JoJo - she was wearing a white tshirt when the uniform was CLEARLY black. I had been there two weeks, I don't even think I was in a proper uniform yet! What was she thinking?

There are special moments we will always remember - I have two words for you Jo.. Snot and Undies. :)

If you know me, you know I am an open book. Jo is like the sealed section you would find in some random cottage craft canadian Cleo type magazine. You know that something is in there worth reading, but whoever owned it before you ruined it, so the pages are stuck together :) Jo is an enigma wrapped in mystery inside something something. There is a whole world there I don't know, but at the same time, she knows everything there is about me.. which is kinda creepy - in a God like way. I'm sure she'll appreciate that. And she gets me.

There are so many things to write here - but Jo needs a whole book to do her justice. So i will just finish with listing the things I love and appreciate about Jo. Happy birthday :)

1. She agrees with me
2. She says 'love you to the moon' and 'bless her little cotton socks'
3. She has a hairy face
4. I'm pretty sure she uses the name Madame JoJo cos she once owned a brothel in London. In fact, from what I have heard, I wouldn't be suprised :)
5. She has crazy like I have crazy.
6. She can be the Hamish.. but I'll always be the Mary.

I'm sure there is more than that.. but Jo is not the only thing I have to do right now.

That's what she said.

Warm

In my cocoon I am warm
my aching mind feels peace.
The anxieties feel prickly but there is no need to perform here.

No one is watching
I stretch my toes and hold my body tight
The fear is beyond sleep
I rejoin the world tomorrow

My heart is numb and my voice rests.
I have nothing to say and no one to watch
I wish I could survive this peace with my memories intact.
Dreams come to heal me,
I'm refreshed by your smile.
Pain doesn't feel so bad afterall

Silence is my pillow
Clouds go by like tears
My cocoon is a pause,
a peace with the Universe

Soul reflection

I felt ready to look at this book again. I haven't been doing nightly lists etc, I'm more of the 'read it and think about it and it will manifest itself somehow' type of person. I have faith in the Universe - and am (sometimes un)willingly following its' plan. That is what this book is about.. I think.

 

Lesson #3 - Thought Creates

Your purpose - To Create Intentionally

 

Here I think I am a Journeyman - I believe in the power of positive thinking, though the Apprentice in me does get caught up in depression. I accept that my thoughts manifest into reality, and do try to keep them positive.

 

Something I definately have to work on is positive thinking. Not letting those doubts get in the way. Knowing that to achieve my dreams, I have to do something and part of that is to believe that I can. I have already proven this to myself. No more negative thoughtforms!

 

• Give your full attention to one thing that you love for an entire week. Um, can I decide which week that will be? Can I postpone it? There is other pressing stuff to do in the next couple of weeks - I have to devote myself to them. Maybe I can reframe 'essay writing' as a 'love of learning and intellectual challenges' :)
• Write down what is not working in your life.
• Keep a journal of your daily successes and how your thoughts, attention and intentions played a role. This could be my other blog - Zenefertiti loses...
• Write down one intention for the week, and focus on it for 15 minutes everyday. I actually have been wanting to meditate.. surely I can find 15mins a day to do this without falling asleep?

Lesson #4 - Feeling is the Fuel of Creativity

Your purpose - To Follow Your Heart

 

You know what, here I am going to claim to be a Journeyman too- the paragraph regarding their experience speaks to me more. It is about following your heart and being in tune with your feelings. Worry and anxiety needs to be burnt off through physical exercise. There is good stuff that comes out of drama, and I do get excited about things that speak to my emotions and creativity.

 

 

At this point I am beginning to get the gist of the book... and I'm interested to see where it goes from here. I have a few things to share about the Journeyman paragraph. The excitment and enthusiasm of something that speaks to my emotion and creativity? I have a secret here - I want to write a historical fiction based on my ancestors. The research is almost about me just finding myself - but there are fascinating stories and I would love to tell them... and I love writing - if people like what I write, they might like the book.. and then it will be a movie and a nice big acreage for me ;p

 

Also re the physical exercise - I have a history of anxiety and depression. This does not define me. It is a trap I fall into and climb out of every once in a while. I've noticed that over the last couple of weeks, I have been feeling less anxious, less negative... and I think that doing the c25k is helping - the running and expending the nervous energy is making me feel happier.

 

• Seek courageous and passionate companions to help rekindle your inner fire
• Consider all past failed passions as good rough drafts, and laugh at them while admiring your spirit.
• Do something courageous, such as taking a trapeze class, trekking on a mountain, or volunteering to help someone who is sick and dying.
• Do something physical every day.

 

Lesson #5 - Your Vision Creates Your Reality

Your purpose - Envision Your Life Beautiful

 

The bizarre thing that came up in the Apprentice section here was filling your mind with visions of disaster and knowing that you are only scaring yourself. I've done that. I also lust after other people's happy life memories and read about celebrities.. and I look at some things in stores (i.e Amart) or and imagine that one day, our lives will be like that..

 

 

I was suprised to see that. Makes you think in a synchrodestiny kind of way. A few times I have been at home or on a train, just thinking to myself, "what would I do if Allan or the kids were gone?" Seriously, I've been thinking it was part of my crazy - a fear of losing them. Lost in these thoughts, they feel so real, and I end up crying. The pain of losing the kids especially, or what a terrible person and mother I am for losing my patience with them - the pain feels real. The tears flow. The subconscious part of my brain knows this hasn't happened. The logical part of my brain thinks "why am I even thinking this, what is wrong with me?" but my heart explores those feelings and the images flash through my brain. It hurts.

 

And its something that I fall into just for a little while. I snap out of it. Yeah, maybe I'm in need of psychoanalysis there. But let's just keep that curtain closed for a while... I don't have time for crazy right now. 

 

I have envied others' lives.. and been caught up in comparing mine to theirs. Not just financially, but uni wise - I DID just spend 10 years at uni. I feel incompetant and like a bit of a failure, but I remind myself that I am tenacious, determined.. that mine is a story they could make a movie about. In the last few years I've started to wake up from this sleepy dream.. this is my life. My journey. I should be proud that I am here. Thank Universe.

 

• List the areas of frustration or disappointment in your life and notice the mental picture you hold about them.
• If you are maintaining a negative or counterproductive image, change it to one that aligns with what you actually want.
• Recognise how your ego tries to derail your vision through cynicism, distraction and drama - and ignore these sabotaging tricks. This was another thing in the paragraph - finding it hard to keep focussed on something.
• Fill your mind with beautiful images by enjoying nature and visiting museums, galleries, showrooms and shops filled with lovely, inspiring things. Study the look of your desired objects, experience, or outcome until you are quite clear about what you intend.
   



I'll come back to this book after visiting Smother next week. :) My intention for that week is to remain calm and not lose my temper with her. I find it really hard. She infuriates me, by doing nothing but being herself really. It's the nagging - the repeating conversations that does it. And trying to control what everybody does. Maybe I should step back and let her control everything. She wants to. I should let her! I'll have a holiday and let her look after the kids.  

 

 

 

 

 

Gimme Shelter

Yeah, a storm is threatenin'
My very life, today
And if I don't get some shelter
Lord, I'm gonna fade away

War, children, yeah
It's just a shot away, it's just a shot away
War, children, yeah
It's just a shot away, it's just a shot away, yeah

Yeah, now the fire is sweepin'
Our very streets today

Looks like a burning puppet
Mad bull lost his way

And war, children
It's just a shot away, it's just a shot away
War, children, yeah
It's just a shot away, it's just a shot away, yeah

Rape, murder
It's just a shot away, it's just a shot away
Rape, murder
It's just a shot away, it's just a, it's just a
Oh oh, rape, murder
It's just a shot away, it's just a shot away

Yeah, storm is threatenin'
My very life today
Gimme, gimme shelter
Lord, I'm gonna fade away

War, children
It's just a shot away, it's just a shot away
War, children, yeah
It's just a shot away, it's just a shot away, yeah

It's just a shot away, it's just a shot away
It's just a shot away, shot away, shot away
It's just a shot away, it's just a shot away
It's just a shot away, shot away, shot away

Oh, yeah yeah
Gimme shelter, yeah
Gimme shelter, yeah
Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah

 

I tell you love, sister
It's just a kiss away, it's just a kiss
I tell you love, sister
It's just a kiss away, it's just a kiss away

It's just a kiss away, it's just a kiss away
It's just a kiss away, kiss away, kiss away
It's just a kiss away, it's just a kiss away
It's just a kiss away, kiss away, kiss away, kiss away, kiss away

Oh yeah
Gimme shelter
Gimme shelter, yeah
Oh yeah, oh yeah

(The Rolling Stones)

 

 

A change in perspectives...

Our task for the Writers' Group this week was to take something we had written and write it from the other perspective. I mean, if you originally wrote it in the first person, to go and write it in the third and see how different it is.

There is probably a more articulate way to say the above, but sometimes it doesn't matter... its the vibe of the thing, man!

So I haven't actually read anything out that I wrote to the group yet, and I've been there a few times. Twintensity threw herself into it - and tonight she organised the topic. She read this awesome piece she wrote, contrasting her experience in the Peace Corps in Haiti and as a mother in Germany. It was beautifully done - she wrote about surviving an earthquake in Haiti and running off the road (car trouble) in Stuttgart. Lol First world problems.

(one day I will put the link here)

I noticed at some stage that the first instalment of Serendipity contains the first AND second person. I hope it flows... but anyway, I decided to write a little bit in third person - to give it a try.. mainly to have something to read for once. I almost didn't go cos I'm feeling buggared after trying to jog yesterday and I feel ill... tummy bug wise.

Anyway, this is what I wrote. And after you decide it's awesome, and that I'm really talented, let me tell you I wrote this in about 10 minutes about half an hour before the group started lol... maybe it shows.

*******************************************************************************

She sighed. Her body aching and sleep stealing away any motivation she had left, she knew she had to get it over and done with, and then she could really relax. Everyone was asleep and the night was no longer young.  But there were lunches to be made and uniforms to be laid out. The kids’ stuff could wait, but he started work before she liked to get up and she was still in the habit of making things easier for him. It was quiet. The fridge hummed. She collected lunchboxes and drink bottles.

After laying out the ingredients on the bench, Nicole began to feel hungry. No, she thought, I will be strong. Those diet lollies are good enough. No bread after 6. No carbs. The urge to binge was great. The photos of a happy family smiled at her from above. She didn’t really care. It was almost midnight, and there was still study to do. If only she could force herself to get through the rest of that reading for Uni. Maybe things would run smoother tomorrow.

***************************************************************************

The ladies liked it. One said the third person stuff sounded a bit poetical... she also whispered she thought it was beautiful and that she had been there herself. Another one liked it and said the first person stuff took you there, that it needs to be performed. As much as I love that my friends like what I write, it's also nice to hear that strangers like it too :)

And on reflection it was interesting to note, that to me, the first person Serendipity stuff was more of a bravado, a look at moiye type thing, whereas the third person stuff was a bit deeper and more honest. Maybe it was because the audience is different, or maybe cos I'm tired and don't feel like being positive.

Or maybe writing in the third person makes you more objective - its how you see yourself, not how you want the world to see you... Hmmm something to think about.

What I should really be thinking about are those two essays due in the first week of October - for Evidence it is about Hearsay. For International Political Institutions (or whatever the subject is called ;p) its whether state sovereignty should override human rights. They'll get done ... I think! Graduating in December..yaaay! Now THAT is motivation to get them done!

Soul lessons #1 and #2

Just like people, I think books come into your life for a reason. To entertain you, bore you into doing something else or teach you.. inspire you.

A friend brought a book over for me to ruin (that is what she said.. but i'll try not to) called "SOUL: Lessons and Soul Purpose." It's one of those books along the same vein as all the other spiritual self help books.. such as The Celestine Prophecy, or Journey to the 9th Planet (also called the Thiaoouba Prophecy or something like that), the Alchemist and so on.

 

I started reading it tonight. It speaks to me. So I kept reading. And for the sake of spiritual growth, I thought I would put a few things down here.. for me to think about. There are 22 lessons... so we'll see how I go - if this is another one of those things I start but don't finish.

Lesson #1 - You are a Divine Immortal Being

Your purpose - To love yourself as God loves you.

Here I am an Apprentice - I have heard of this before, but I a starting to accept it - but it doesn't feel like it applies to me, or that I am capable of being a divine immortal being. I am too concerned with others' opinions of me and my external appearance.

How Celestine. That's all I will say - even though this blog is for my confessions. Oh alright - yes yes. I do care what others think. I can't stand the fact that they think the wrong things about me - even if their opinions are partly because of my behaviour towards thems. I feel hate because they influence the way others think of me.

And I am concerned with my external appearance! I have been expending so much energy on losing weight, and beating myself up for not doing that, or sticking with it. Energy I could use elsewhere.... I keep telling myself and others that it really is all in the mind - so I need to re-frame the way I am trying to lose weight - I need to work on my mind. I keep thinking that I will be so happy when I have lost it - but I want to be happy now. Surely it would come from happiness in a more natural and pleasureable way? So if I fix my mind - heal my soul - then maybe losing weight will become less of a struggle. Because really, my weight is a reflection of my sadness.

• Focus on the things you love and appreciate about yourself, doing so out loud and often
• Vocally give yourself approval
• Take the time to notice the activities that bring you peace and do them
• Affirm that you are loved by your Creator

Lesson #2 - You are a Divine Co-Creator

Your purpose - In fully accepting your creative power, You honour and respect your soul and remind others to do the same.

I am an Apprentice here too - I find the idea encouraging, but have those doubts that I can actually change my world. I start reading self-help books but don't finish them, the ideas are fun but I don't take them too seriously - enough to act on them. I think I may be borderline Journeyman as well - I do accept resonsibility for my life and mmy choices, and where they lead me now - and I am ready to move forward and create a better, happier life.

This reminds me of a book I have somewhere called Synchrodestiny by Deepak Chopra. Its an interesting book, which.. haha ... I have started reading a few times.. and never finished. I don't think I have made it through half of the book. I love Synchronicity. I do recognise how my choices have brought me here, and I know I have the power to change - it is a matter of manifesting those thoughts into reality - and stopping the self-doubt and other ego distractions from getting in the way.

• Make a list of the things you want to accomplish now, and measure the amount of enthusiasm that each goal inspires in you.
• Only pursue those desires that greatly excite you, forget the rest for now.
• Talk only about your successes. Be silent about your failures.
• Think of creating as playing with a magic wand. What possibilities would you like to develop right now?

The above are the actions for the Apprentice - Below are those for the Journeyman... I will do those too and then get back to you in a week :) So long as my friend doesn't want her book back - in which case I'll make her let me scan it :s

• Every night before going to bed, jot down your days creations
• Make two columns: In column A, list successes and satisfying manifestations; in column B, describe bloopers
• Next to the achievements in column A, note several things you did to bring them abut. In column B, write down a few things you did or failed to do that caused disappointment.
• List those positive patterns that will lead to more happiness and accomplishment.
• name the areas in which you are creatively strong and those which you struggle.
• Look for negative habits that hinder your efforts to achieve your desires and that are absent with regard to your successes. 

Sounds complicated. Like I said, I am borderline, if anything. This reminds me of those gratitude journals. Might be interesting.

Establishment Blues....

The mayor hides the crime rate, council woman hesitates

Public gets irate but forget the vote date

Weatherman complaining, predicted sun, it's raining

Everyone's protesting, boyfriend keeps suggesting

you're not like all of the rest.

 

Garbage ain't collected, women ain't protected

                             Politicians using people, they've been abusing

The mafia's getting bigger, like pollution in the river

And you tell me that this is where it's at.

Woke up this moming with an ache in my head

Splashed on my clothes as I spilled out of bed

Opened the window to listen to the news

But all I heard was the Establishment's Blues.

 

 

 

Gun sales are soaring, housewives find life boring

Divorce the only answer smoking causes cancer

This system's gonna fall soon, to an angry young tune

And that's a concrete cold fact.

The pope digs population, freedom from taxation

Teeny Bops are up tight, drinking at a stoplight

Miniskirt is flirting I can't stop so I'm hurting

Spinster sells her hopeless chest.

Adultery plays the kitchen, bigot cops non-fiction

The little man gets shafted, sons and monies drafted

Living by a time piece, new war in the far east.

Can you pass the Rorschach test?

It's a hassle is an educated guess.

Well, frankly I couldn't care less.

 

(Rodriguez)

 

Serendipity

Ahhhhhhh Spring. There is something about it that makes you want to lie on a blanket outside. Read a really good book. Be nice to ants. Enjoy the sun before it gets really hot. You love the blue of the sky, the green of the grass. If only the kids could enjoy it without you having to be involved.

Sometimes, I wish they would just leave me alone. Not forever. Not even all day. Just for a couple of hours. They don’t even need to do anything… I just need to not have to look after them or think about them for a while. I’m sitting here, trying to think of an awesome topic for this column, but I can’t concentrate because my 5 year old son is wriggling around on the couch, fidgeting while watching TV. I want to believe that he will be distracted long enough for me to write something, but it’s not his attention levels that are the problem, its mine.

I am a mum, a student, a casual employee and sometimes, a crazy person. To be all those things to all people requires a bit of creativity. I don’t consider myself a creative person... Creative people have art studios and flowing floral clothes, smell like paint and incense and feel at peace with the world. I am more like the Mad Hatter – fumbling through the demands of housework, limiting the therapy my kids will need when they grow up, handing in assignments late and creating a social life out of school pick-ups and weekend work.

It really is a wonder I get anything done.

You quickly learn to take advantage of whatever time you have. You know you are a busy mum when your one goal for the morning is to be on the 8:30am train to work, after having dumped your kids at school or kindy. Once you collapse onto the seat, you know the hardest part of the day is done, and no matter what happens at work, you have succeeded. You are a success. You made the train.

At home, you get caught up in all those things that you have to do: Laundry, dishes, bathroom. Remembering to feed the fish – but checking he’s still alive first. You get creative in cleaning the armpits of your hubby’s work shirts at midnight, so he has something clean to wear the next day. Lunches are made during your morning coffee when your eyes are hardly open. You let your kids wear tracksuit pants and a T-shirt to bed, and then decide the next morning that they look clean enough to wear for the school drop-off, after a stain check of course! Yes, these ARE signs of creativity, not laziness.

I love Serendipity. I love the intricacies of life. Synchroncity. Fate. The Universe. It's fascinating. It's all maths. It's all a balancing act. How can I lose? I have to admit I get cranky when I'm trying to read or write something, and someone needs a sandwich. Geeeez, didn't I do that 10 minutes ago? Or was it yesterday?

And in this rush to get things done, and do things I want to do - I forget my serendipitous little man on the couch. Warmer weather is coming - time to get outside and enjoy Spring :)

Serendipity is my new column in the new Hazed e-mag, available September 1st. See Hazel Loves Design for more information - You'll find a link in my Favourite Blogs list...

Hazed Magazine - read it here!!!

A tangled Web

I've been pretty immersed in Tudor England for a while - it all began with reading those fantastic novels by Philippa Gregory - From the perspectives of the Yorks and then Tudors during the War of the Roses, through the wives of Henry VIII and now I'm up to The Virgin's Lover, about Elizabeth I and Lord Robert Dudley.

I've been watching the Tudors and am caught up in Jonathan Rhys Meyer's Henry VIII and right now, I'm sitting here watching Elizabeth - with the beguiling Cate Blanchett.

I am slowly recognising the royal lines - not for any important reason.. but its fascinating. The closest I have found my tree to the Tudors is that one of my Cooke predecessors was christened in a church in Lambeth, London. And in the Tudors, Katharine of Aragon visited a church in Lambeth. Yeah, a tenuous connection at best hahaha. I wonder what my ancestors were doing then? I think that strain was from Lincolnshire... what would they be doing in Lambeth? I wonder which side they were on?


If they were peasants (Cooks? Though, Smother still believes she is of blue blood.. and related to Captain Cook. She also thinks she was Cleopatra in a past life and I was her slave... yeah don't get me started.. but wouldn't it make more sense that she was MY slave, and is reaping the benefits now?) I wonder where or how they lived. The information is out there... I just need the time. Fascinating :)


I wonder what their religion was?.... as far as I know we are from Catholic stock... And if they chopped and changed to save THEIR heads?

Religion is crazy. I believe in Faith. I believe in God- one God (I think of it more as the universe) perceived hundreds of different ways - think the Elephant story. (You know, where men were blindfolded and all felt a different part of the Elephant - then came out and described what they'd seen)

In Christianity alone there a so many denominations - I don't even know if I could name them all.. Protestant, Catholic, Lutheran, Baptist, Anglican, does God really know what else? Where do the Pentacostal, the Christadelphians, the Evangelical fit in?

The Agnostic? The Athiests?

I don't believe we need the Church or priests to communicate with God. I had sex waaaay before marriage. I have bastard children. But I don't really believe God minds. The Universe is a wonderful mystical thing, and we will never understand everything - I love synchronicity, symbolism and the gamut of emotions our lives bring us. Of course I hate them at the time but that is what makes it so beautiful.

I don't know why we are here. I believe my soul chose this lifetime, for the joy of the lessons to be learnt and the experiences to be felt. We have a path, a journey.. a means to an end.. but we still have the illusion of choice. The Universe knows otherwise.

The macrocosm and the microcosm - seriously - cell structure and the solar system? How trippy is that? What about dreams? Deja vu? Intuition? 

I even have a theory on Adam and Eve that is explosive. It explains creationism and evolution. Its so obvious, I don't know why everyone doesn't see it the way I do. When I share this - I am met by bemused looks. Its logic, people!

We know the Bible was translated into many languages in such a way that fuelled and served the interests of those rich or powerful enough to command translations be made. Sure, there were honourable people who genuinely wanted to respect the 'word(s) of God'.. but I think Human nature is just as Hobbes said. We are greedy. Power is an aphrodesiac.




Adam and Eve were amoebas. Doesn't that make sense? Back then they had a limited view of science - human beings were the most basic form... Eve came from Adam - one amoeba splits into two.. and multiply. Now if the Jehovah's Witnesses who come to my door could just see that it negates any defensive reasoning about incest (for starters) maybe they would have more success with us heathans....

Hannover

26th - 27th May 2001, Staying at Youth Hostel, Fisherhof Ubahn station


It all started when I decided spontaneously to go somewhere for the weekend. I went by myself, which meant that I could do what I wanted to do, and when. I still believe it is better to travel with someone, because half the fun of travelling is sharing it with someone.

I arrived at about 11:00am with a slight hangover, put my luggage in storage, then went to the Tourist info. I walked to the big markets, that are in Hannover every Saturday, and strolled around, wary of all the eastern and southern europeans.

I found a Kraftwerk record, which I bought for Stephen. I also bought some old DDR money. After the markets, I decided to go and check in at the hostel. My knee felt sore, and I was incredibly tired.

On my way back, I saw an old church, which was open. I decided to go in an have a look. Once in there, I realised it was the first chuch I'd been in since Nanna died. The realisation overwhelmed me, and I started to cry. More of a releasing unknown pent-up emotion. It felt good. I felt Nanna's presence, and I felt God's presence. I wanted to light a candle, but they were sold out. I left there feeling refreshed and better.

Eventually I got to the hostel, checked in and sat down. It was only 4pm and I knew I still had about 6 hours of daylight left. So I went back to the city centre, and did the Red Thread tour. It's a really good idea. There is a red line on the ground, painted throughout the city, and you buy a small book and follow it seeing important sites. I returned to the hostel at about 6-7pm and was fast asleep by 8pm.

On Sunday I went first to the Herrenhauser Gartern, which was the palace gardens. They were beautiful. There was a maze (which I did get lost in) and statues. I spent a couple of hours there, and then went to the Zoo. I actually really enjoyed the zoo, it was cool to see all the different animals. My favourites were the Gorillas and the Polar and Grizzly Bears. So cute.

After the Zoo, I went to the Rathaus and took photos from the top. I went the day before, but the lift was broken. The weather was sunny on Saturday and rainy on Sunday. Oh well.

I really enjoyed my weekend away in Hannover. I might not (probably wont) go back, but I'm glad to say that I've been there.






    ***********************************************************************

Reading this I have to laugh at my wariness of 'eastern and southern europeans'. It does sound a bit racist, but any young woman travelling alone in Europe will know what I'm talking about. I'm making a huge generalisation about them - thats true. I was referring to the men. There are Roma ('gypsies') hanging around churches in big cities begging for money.. and you hear horror stories and I was afraid of being pickpocketed... I even wore my backpack around the front.

Another fond memory I have of Hannover is a naked lady. The old unabashed charm of naked germans... I was in the hostel room resting and she had just checked in. We were chatting and then she just took her clothes off to get in the shower. She would've been mum's age.. I was taken aback.. and prudish.. but kept on chattering, trying not to look. I ended up doing the same thing (well not quite the same.. stripped down to my bra to change shirts) to a couple of Korean backpackers in Munich a few months later - I was germanised! Those poor girls were shocked and embarrassed. I didn't mean to!

Around the time my Nanna died (which I've gone on about over and over and over on this blog.. sorry ;p) I also fell off my bike one day while riding around Lueneburg with friends. I am unco anyway, and while riding I looked behind me to see where my friends were. I started to lose my balance, and veered towards cars but swung back and stopped by the wall of a building. Laughing cos I'm unco, I then lost my balance and somehow fell between the bike and the wall... landing with bended knee on a drain grate.

Yeah. Universe knows how that happened.

Once the pain set it it was horrible. Somehow, with the help of my friends I made it home. My knew swelled right up and Mum begged me in the middle of the night to go to the hospital. I didn't do that, but I did go to a doctor I had visited earlier when sick. Both times when I arrived in Germany I ended up with Bronchitis... even in little Lueneburg. Apparently the air isn't as fresh there as it is here in Oz...

I remember crying to the doctor, cos Nanna had died and he is prodding my knee apologising... then he sent me to the local specialist, who was also a plastic surgeon. After x-rays and an MRI (where I learnt the meaning of Schwanger) it turned out that I hadn't broken my knee cap or ended up with minisculis (whatever that is) .. but I had a permanent dent and a heamatoma there you can still see to this day..

what a great story ;p

The moral is get Travel insurance! My travel insurance cost $800 for 8 months... the MRI and doctors visits cost $1500!

Letters from Julia

When I was 11, I had 3 penfriends - before facebook, before email, before the internet was in every home....
I still find letters from one of them, Julia, every once in a while when looking through old stuff. She was around my age, from Onsala, Sweden. We never met. I would love to find her again :)
By this stage, we had been writing for about 5 years... I wish I hadn't lost so many letters and photos. I'll add more as I find them.

Hopefully, I'll find her again :)



sha la la

Everyday I look at the world from my window....

There is a story I want to tell. It is inside me. It could be my story, but I havent reached that happy ending yet.... so its not ready. I have climbed my family tree, nestled in its branches and become fascinated by some of the stories there.


I want to explore them. I feel connected to them. I want to be loved by them. Impossible, I know, when you consider time and space... but is it so impossible? Could I meet these people somewhere in my own personal dreamscapes?

I believe you can do almost anything in your dreamscapes....  and it can be therapeutic!

I was overseas when my beloved Nanna died. We had a special bond. We also had my mother in common. I dream of her often. She was our angel. She kept our family together. She had cancer in the 1980s, lived but it came back towards the end. One day, Nanna, Mum and I were sitting around the kitchen table having a cuppa.

I didn't believe she would die. I had discovered dreaming a couple of years before and being the opportunist that I am, I shared with Nanna what I had read. I asked her if she would contact me in my dreams, if she ever died. I was serious, and she shook her head. I remember asking her, that if she could, if it was possible - could she do it?

Closed minds would shrug this off. Old saggy horsey face school mums would probably accuse me of witchcraft.

Nanna knew she was going. The last time I saw her, she was really sick. She looked grey. It was my bon voyage party. I told her I would see her in 6 months. She said I hope so.

This isnt meant to be a depressing blog! You haven't reached the end yet!

Three months after she died, I was in Sylt, Germany. I sat on the beach with 2 friends till after midnight, playing around in the waning sun... it felt like it would last forever. That night, she came.

I walked into the kitchen. Mum says something, and I tell her, You just sounded like Nanna then. And it is her. I am suprised, Nanna! We hug. She holds me, and I said I thought you were gone. We talk about Mum. Nanna asks me if I want to meet somebody. We go outside, and an old lady with blue eyes is in the passenger seat of a white car. We meet. She is Nanna's mother. It was great to meet her. Then they are gone.

It was her. I don't care what people say. It wasn't my psyche regurgitating the day's events. It wasn't the 'Nanna in me' that needed to be expressed.

And she has visited me about 4-5 times since then. That I remember. I've met her on stairs, me coming up them, her coming down - we met in the middle and she was young again, and in a beautiful purple sparkly gown. I have asked her what heaven is like and she has told me, both of us knowing I will not remember in the morning. I even recall telling her how good her analogy was, and that I would definately remember that one. I didn't.

Now, when she comes, I'm not even suprised. I think she is still my angel. She has to be somewhere. As much as I question Heaven and Hell... I still want to believe she is around. Even if it is just in my human memories that keep her alive.

But then, if that is the case, am I holding her back? You know that Aboriginal belief in not taking photos of someone cos it traps their soul on this earthly plain? I do believe that heaven and hell are subjective.. so I don't really think I've trapped her here :) Maybe she will just have to come back and claim her soul...

Maybe she already has.. and has stayed for another ride :) Monique is a Cancerian too....

The Columnist

So I have been off on other tangents for a while, but I'm still breathing.

I am going to be a columnist. And the fact that it will be in an e-mag based in NZ (bro) means that I reserve the right to be referred to as 'Internationally renowned columnist, [insert pseudonym here], BA LLB'. I'm designing business cards already. Well actually not yet... but I will have to eventually.

What do I write about? Universe knows. The first instalment is due by the end of July. I still need to work on a title and byline... two sentences to describe me. My first thought was 'disappointed non-runner in bridge to brisbane'.. but that crisis is over - its going to be the 10km so I can get to Uni on time. Yes, on a Sunday!

I'm not going to confess that I had to google 'columnist' just to be sure I spelt it correctly.

The underlying theme of this column is inspiration. It is meant to tie in with the e-mag's first issue, and Spring (when it is being released)... think bright colours, family friendly anecdotes and the whole "oh I'm a busy struggling Mum, but aren't we all, so let's have a giggle over a cuppa" type of column.


Google is great. I even googled how to write a column. This might not be the sign of an 'internationally renowned columnist' emerging... meh.

Holding onto some kind of hope

Dear xxxx,

My name is xxxx xxxx and I am looking for my biological father. I was born in 1981 in xxxx, Qld. My Mother’s name was xxxx xxxx, and at the time I believe she lived in xxxx Rd, xxxx.

The reason I am writing to you is that Mum said that my fathers’ name was xxxx xxxx, and he lived in xxxx St, xxxx. I have done a name search on the electoral roll for 1980 in xxxx, and saw there was a xxxx xxxx xxxx living there. I then did a current name/address search and your address came up.

I am writing to find out if you are my biological father. I will only write this letter once, because I believe in fate, and I do realise that my existence may not be something that xxxx has shared with his family. I believe his parents knew, and I don’t have any more information than that.

I understand that if you are my biological father, you may not have any interest in meeting me. That’s ok. But if you don’t mind, would you please confirm that I have (or haven’t) found you so that I may stop looking?

Also, if you are open to a conversation with me, would you be prepared to share some information about your family history? I have been tracing my family tree and half of it is blank! Any major hereditary health concerns would be appreciated too J

I did not know that my Step-father was not my biological father until I was 25. It was kind of a shock, but I think I always knew. I once saw xxxx, who worked for the Brisbane City Council, in the mid- 1990s, working on the road outside our house. Mum saw him and waved, and that was it. I did not know or I would have said hello.

If you would like to contact me, my mobile is (blah blah). My address is (blah blah blah).  In case you are interested, I have 2 children, aged 4 and 5, and I am graduating this year with a law degree. I’m also happy and content with my life, so you know I have turned out ok. J

Thanks for your time,

xxxx xxxx 

        ***********************************************************************


He responded, answered some questions and showed a glimpse of himself through text messages. Though nothing has come of it, I am truly thankful that he was brave enough to respond. Especially since he obviously knew my mother ;p Life happens. I know that. Some part of me wants to be accepted, because I never was. There has always been an unspoken condition. That is my narrative.

Its time to burn the books.

And the Universe works in mysterious ways. I don't think I could ever express my gratitude to the family members who found me,  and the peace they have brought to my heart. Photos, stories, medical histories... its almost like the Universe is saying, "Look, you aren't going to win this round, but I'll get you the info you need to move on... yes.. you have a german connection.. now go back to sleep."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

31st May 2014

So this is sort of an update.

I have become good friends with one of his cousins over the last year or so, sharing lives through facebook; she is a very special lady and I feel like I have known her forever. Similar personalities, similar senses of humour. And she seems to really like me, which is touching :) I have nothing but admiration for her... and if she reads this, I hope she knows she means a lot to me :)

Sadly, my biological father died last week. I never met him. I don't know how sudden it was, whether he or his immediate family knew he was that sick, but I was told over a week ago that he was in intensive care. And then the message last weekend that he died.

I never got the chance to meet him.

This saddens me, but I'm actually ok with it. I feel wistful. I don't feel angry, or rejected, or anything negative. If it really matters, I forgive him. I hope he forgives me. He abandoned my mother when she was pregnant, and he rejected me too when I found him. It does sound really harsh when you put it that way, but I honestly harbour no ill feelings.

I have looked deep into myself. Part of me doesn't feel like I have a right to mourn, we never bonded; But then a part of me feels connected to him. I don't know why  - maybe it is cell memory in my DNA.

I would like to meet my half-sister, but she is young, and going through the loss of her father, so now is not really the time. I will pass on my contact details and leave the rest to her. She may never contact me, but I will always be here if she does. I hope she has a wonderful life and feels his loving energy forever. I hope she fulfils her dreams, lives a long healthy happy life. Smiles a lot and travels. Connects with her higher self lol and I hopes she knows she is Divine.

I'm not looking for acceptance, though I don't want to be rejected. I'm so nervous about the funeral... lol I'm sure the family have much more dignity than to yell me out of there. I hope no one notices me. I hope no one approaches me. I'm stoic now, but I'm afraid I'll cry and then know that they feel I have no right to cry. Sounds weird hey?

I don't want sympathy, it's not about me. All I wanted was to know him. Know who he was. Were our mannerisms the same? Did we share facial expressions? What was he like as a person? And really, what better way to find out than to go to the funeral where people who loved him will talk... and no one will say bad things, so my lasting memories of 'him' will be good... logic!

ok, im going to bed. its late. Just felt like updating this :)

ciao for now