Soul reflection

I felt ready to look at this book again. I haven't been doing nightly lists etc, I'm more of the 'read it and think about it and it will manifest itself somehow' type of person. I have faith in the Universe - and am (sometimes un)willingly following its' plan. That is what this book is about.. I think.

 

Lesson #3 - Thought Creates

Your purpose - To Create Intentionally

 

Here I think I am a Journeyman - I believe in the power of positive thinking, though the Apprentice in me does get caught up in depression. I accept that my thoughts manifest into reality, and do try to keep them positive.

 

Something I definately have to work on is positive thinking. Not letting those doubts get in the way. Knowing that to achieve my dreams, I have to do something and part of that is to believe that I can. I have already proven this to myself. No more negative thoughtforms!

 

• Give your full attention to one thing that you love for an entire week. Um, can I decide which week that will be? Can I postpone it? There is other pressing stuff to do in the next couple of weeks - I have to devote myself to them. Maybe I can reframe 'essay writing' as a 'love of learning and intellectual challenges' :)
• Write down what is not working in your life.
• Keep a journal of your daily successes and how your thoughts, attention and intentions played a role. This could be my other blog - Zenefertiti loses...
• Write down one intention for the week, and focus on it for 15 minutes everyday. I actually have been wanting to meditate.. surely I can find 15mins a day to do this without falling asleep?

Lesson #4 - Feeling is the Fuel of Creativity

Your purpose - To Follow Your Heart

 

You know what, here I am going to claim to be a Journeyman too- the paragraph regarding their experience speaks to me more. It is about following your heart and being in tune with your feelings. Worry and anxiety needs to be burnt off through physical exercise. There is good stuff that comes out of drama, and I do get excited about things that speak to my emotions and creativity.

 

 

At this point I am beginning to get the gist of the book... and I'm interested to see where it goes from here. I have a few things to share about the Journeyman paragraph. The excitment and enthusiasm of something that speaks to my emotion and creativity? I have a secret here - I want to write a historical fiction based on my ancestors. The research is almost about me just finding myself - but there are fascinating stories and I would love to tell them... and I love writing - if people like what I write, they might like the book.. and then it will be a movie and a nice big acreage for me ;p

 

Also re the physical exercise - I have a history of anxiety and depression. This does not define me. It is a trap I fall into and climb out of every once in a while. I've noticed that over the last couple of weeks, I have been feeling less anxious, less negative... and I think that doing the c25k is helping - the running and expending the nervous energy is making me feel happier.

 

• Seek courageous and passionate companions to help rekindle your inner fire
• Consider all past failed passions as good rough drafts, and laugh at them while admiring your spirit.
• Do something courageous, such as taking a trapeze class, trekking on a mountain, or volunteering to help someone who is sick and dying.
• Do something physical every day.

 

Lesson #5 - Your Vision Creates Your Reality

Your purpose - Envision Your Life Beautiful

 

The bizarre thing that came up in the Apprentice section here was filling your mind with visions of disaster and knowing that you are only scaring yourself. I've done that. I also lust after other people's happy life memories and read about celebrities.. and I look at some things in stores (i.e Amart) or and imagine that one day, our lives will be like that..

 

 

I was suprised to see that. Makes you think in a synchrodestiny kind of way. A few times I have been at home or on a train, just thinking to myself, "what would I do if Allan or the kids were gone?" Seriously, I've been thinking it was part of my crazy - a fear of losing them. Lost in these thoughts, they feel so real, and I end up crying. The pain of losing the kids especially, or what a terrible person and mother I am for losing my patience with them - the pain feels real. The tears flow. The subconscious part of my brain knows this hasn't happened. The logical part of my brain thinks "why am I even thinking this, what is wrong with me?" but my heart explores those feelings and the images flash through my brain. It hurts.

 

And its something that I fall into just for a little while. I snap out of it. Yeah, maybe I'm in need of psychoanalysis there. But let's just keep that curtain closed for a while... I don't have time for crazy right now. 

 

I have envied others' lives.. and been caught up in comparing mine to theirs. Not just financially, but uni wise - I DID just spend 10 years at uni. I feel incompetant and like a bit of a failure, but I remind myself that I am tenacious, determined.. that mine is a story they could make a movie about. In the last few years I've started to wake up from this sleepy dream.. this is my life. My journey. I should be proud that I am here. Thank Universe.

 

• List the areas of frustration or disappointment in your life and notice the mental picture you hold about them.
• If you are maintaining a negative or counterproductive image, change it to one that aligns with what you actually want.
• Recognise how your ego tries to derail your vision through cynicism, distraction and drama - and ignore these sabotaging tricks. This was another thing in the paragraph - finding it hard to keep focussed on something.
• Fill your mind with beautiful images by enjoying nature and visiting museums, galleries, showrooms and shops filled with lovely, inspiring things. Study the look of your desired objects, experience, or outcome until you are quite clear about what you intend.
   



I'll come back to this book after visiting Smother next week. :) My intention for that week is to remain calm and not lose my temper with her. I find it really hard. She infuriates me, by doing nothing but being herself really. It's the nagging - the repeating conversations that does it. And trying to control what everybody does. Maybe I should step back and let her control everything. She wants to. I should let her! I'll have a holiday and let her look after the kids.  

 

 

 

 

 

Soul lessons #1 and #2

Just like people, I think books come into your life for a reason. To entertain you, bore you into doing something else or teach you.. inspire you.

A friend brought a book over for me to ruin (that is what she said.. but i'll try not to) called "SOUL: Lessons and Soul Purpose." It's one of those books along the same vein as all the other spiritual self help books.. such as The Celestine Prophecy, or Journey to the 9th Planet (also called the Thiaoouba Prophecy or something like that), the Alchemist and so on.

 

I started reading it tonight. It speaks to me. So I kept reading. And for the sake of spiritual growth, I thought I would put a few things down here.. for me to think about. There are 22 lessons... so we'll see how I go - if this is another one of those things I start but don't finish.

Lesson #1 - You are a Divine Immortal Being

Your purpose - To love yourself as God loves you.

Here I am an Apprentice - I have heard of this before, but I a starting to accept it - but it doesn't feel like it applies to me, or that I am capable of being a divine immortal being. I am too concerned with others' opinions of me and my external appearance.

How Celestine. That's all I will say - even though this blog is for my confessions. Oh alright - yes yes. I do care what others think. I can't stand the fact that they think the wrong things about me - even if their opinions are partly because of my behaviour towards thems. I feel hate because they influence the way others think of me.

And I am concerned with my external appearance! I have been expending so much energy on losing weight, and beating myself up for not doing that, or sticking with it. Energy I could use elsewhere.... I keep telling myself and others that it really is all in the mind - so I need to re-frame the way I am trying to lose weight - I need to work on my mind. I keep thinking that I will be so happy when I have lost it - but I want to be happy now. Surely it would come from happiness in a more natural and pleasureable way? So if I fix my mind - heal my soul - then maybe losing weight will become less of a struggle. Because really, my weight is a reflection of my sadness.

• Focus on the things you love and appreciate about yourself, doing so out loud and often
• Vocally give yourself approval
• Take the time to notice the activities that bring you peace and do them
• Affirm that you are loved by your Creator

Lesson #2 - You are a Divine Co-Creator

Your purpose - In fully accepting your creative power, You honour and respect your soul and remind others to do the same.

I am an Apprentice here too - I find the idea encouraging, but have those doubts that I can actually change my world. I start reading self-help books but don't finish them, the ideas are fun but I don't take them too seriously - enough to act on them. I think I may be borderline Journeyman as well - I do accept resonsibility for my life and mmy choices, and where they lead me now - and I am ready to move forward and create a better, happier life.

This reminds me of a book I have somewhere called Synchrodestiny by Deepak Chopra. Its an interesting book, which.. haha ... I have started reading a few times.. and never finished. I don't think I have made it through half of the book. I love Synchronicity. I do recognise how my choices have brought me here, and I know I have the power to change - it is a matter of manifesting those thoughts into reality - and stopping the self-doubt and other ego distractions from getting in the way.

• Make a list of the things you want to accomplish now, and measure the amount of enthusiasm that each goal inspires in you.
• Only pursue those desires that greatly excite you, forget the rest for now.
• Talk only about your successes. Be silent about your failures.
• Think of creating as playing with a magic wand. What possibilities would you like to develop right now?

The above are the actions for the Apprentice - Below are those for the Journeyman... I will do those too and then get back to you in a week :) So long as my friend doesn't want her book back - in which case I'll make her let me scan it :s

• Every night before going to bed, jot down your days creations
• Make two columns: In column A, list successes and satisfying manifestations; in column B, describe bloopers
• Next to the achievements in column A, note several things you did to bring them abut. In column B, write down a few things you did or failed to do that caused disappointment.
• List those positive patterns that will lead to more happiness and accomplishment.
• name the areas in which you are creatively strong and those which you struggle.
• Look for negative habits that hinder your efforts to achieve your desires and that are absent with regard to your successes. 

Sounds complicated. Like I said, I am borderline, if anything. This reminds me of those gratitude journals. Might be interesting.

Holding onto some kind of hope

Dear xxxx,

My name is xxxx xxxx and I am looking for my biological father. I was born in 1981 in xxxx, Qld. My Mother’s name was xxxx xxxx, and at the time I believe she lived in xxxx Rd, xxxx.

The reason I am writing to you is that Mum said that my fathers’ name was xxxx xxxx, and he lived in xxxx St, xxxx. I have done a name search on the electoral roll for 1980 in xxxx, and saw there was a xxxx xxxx xxxx living there. I then did a current name/address search and your address came up.

I am writing to find out if you are my biological father. I will only write this letter once, because I believe in fate, and I do realise that my existence may not be something that xxxx has shared with his family. I believe his parents knew, and I don’t have any more information than that.

I understand that if you are my biological father, you may not have any interest in meeting me. That’s ok. But if you don’t mind, would you please confirm that I have (or haven’t) found you so that I may stop looking?

Also, if you are open to a conversation with me, would you be prepared to share some information about your family history? I have been tracing my family tree and half of it is blank! Any major hereditary health concerns would be appreciated too J

I did not know that my Step-father was not my biological father until I was 25. It was kind of a shock, but I think I always knew. I once saw xxxx, who worked for the Brisbane City Council, in the mid- 1990s, working on the road outside our house. Mum saw him and waved, and that was it. I did not know or I would have said hello.

If you would like to contact me, my mobile is (blah blah). My address is (blah blah blah).  In case you are interested, I have 2 children, aged 4 and 5, and I am graduating this year with a law degree. I’m also happy and content with my life, so you know I have turned out ok. J

Thanks for your time,

xxxx xxxx 

        ***********************************************************************


He responded, answered some questions and showed a glimpse of himself through text messages. Though nothing has come of it, I am truly thankful that he was brave enough to respond. Especially since he obviously knew my mother ;p Life happens. I know that. Some part of me wants to be accepted, because I never was. There has always been an unspoken condition. That is my narrative.

Its time to burn the books.

And the Universe works in mysterious ways. I don't think I could ever express my gratitude to the family members who found me,  and the peace they have brought to my heart. Photos, stories, medical histories... its almost like the Universe is saying, "Look, you aren't going to win this round, but I'll get you the info you need to move on... yes.. you have a german connection.. now go back to sleep."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

31st May 2014

So this is sort of an update.

I have become good friends with one of his cousins over the last year or so, sharing lives through facebook; she is a very special lady and I feel like I have known her forever. Similar personalities, similar senses of humour. And she seems to really like me, which is touching :) I have nothing but admiration for her... and if she reads this, I hope she knows she means a lot to me :)

Sadly, my biological father died last week. I never met him. I don't know how sudden it was, whether he or his immediate family knew he was that sick, but I was told over a week ago that he was in intensive care. And then the message last weekend that he died.

I never got the chance to meet him.

This saddens me, but I'm actually ok with it. I feel wistful. I don't feel angry, or rejected, or anything negative. If it really matters, I forgive him. I hope he forgives me. He abandoned my mother when she was pregnant, and he rejected me too when I found him. It does sound really harsh when you put it that way, but I honestly harbour no ill feelings.

I have looked deep into myself. Part of me doesn't feel like I have a right to mourn, we never bonded; But then a part of me feels connected to him. I don't know why  - maybe it is cell memory in my DNA.

I would like to meet my half-sister, but she is young, and going through the loss of her father, so now is not really the time. I will pass on my contact details and leave the rest to her. She may never contact me, but I will always be here if she does. I hope she has a wonderful life and feels his loving energy forever. I hope she fulfils her dreams, lives a long healthy happy life. Smiles a lot and travels. Connects with her higher self lol and I hopes she knows she is Divine.

I'm not looking for acceptance, though I don't want to be rejected. I'm so nervous about the funeral... lol I'm sure the family have much more dignity than to yell me out of there. I hope no one notices me. I hope no one approaches me. I'm stoic now, but I'm afraid I'll cry and then know that they feel I have no right to cry. Sounds weird hey?

I don't want sympathy, it's not about me. All I wanted was to know him. Know who he was. Were our mannerisms the same? Did we share facial expressions? What was he like as a person? And really, what better way to find out than to go to the funeral where people who loved him will talk... and no one will say bad things, so my lasting memories of 'him' will be good... logic!

ok, im going to bed. its late. Just felt like updating this :)

ciao for now

a little sparrow keeps calling...

I think I read somewhere that there was a superstition that sparrows were a sign of an impending death. Do we even have sparrows in Australia? Yes I am a graduate, but not in Maths.

Nanna and I, 1997

Personal jokes that no one really gets aside, I just wanted to make a public declaration about Edith Piaf.  I cannot confess to know everything about her, or even the words to her songs. But I love her. Maybe I'm perpetuating this love because Nanna loved her. She gave me her Edith Piaf CD once. That and two records - the Hair soundtrack and best of Janis Joplin. Me and Bobby McGee was one of her favourite songs.

The earth says hello indeed  

There are two songs by La Môme Piaf that I love. Always will. I've already decided that La vie en Rose will be the song Allan and I have as our first waltz when (if) we get married. He knows and has accepted this.  Also, I would like to suggest that Non je ne Regrette Rien be played at my funeral. And everyone must sit there and listen, even if it is in french. I will provide an english translation. :) No, I am not a control freak!

Edith Piaf

So you, my dear reader, need to google the two songs - and make sure you listen to the Edith Piaf versions. And watch the movie, La Vie en Rose. Marion Cotillard is haunting. Beautiful.  I cry when she wakes from sleep and is still dreaming, I cry when she sings non, je ne regrette rien. I wonder about the scene at the end.. and her daughter Marcelle. Her love affair with Marcel. As I was watching it, I wondered if Nanna knew about her addictions. 





Here's a tangent - about my virtuous grandmother being exposed to life's seedy underbelly. We were watching My Own Private Idaho together when I was 17. I forgot about the gay sex scenes. Awwwwkward. But Nanna sat through the movie. I wonder what she thought. I was horrified. At the end, all she said was "Well I'll tape over that before Trevor sees it". Good idea :)

I want to put the english lyrics here - I've noticed the french and english versions differ - I like them both and havent decided on which one I would sing :) I dont know french, and I cant sing - but if it was my wedding - everyone would have to watch and say it is great anyway :) Thats the polite thing to do. :)

La Vie en Rose

Hold me close and hold me fast

the magic spell you cast

this is La Vie en Rose

When you kiss me heaven sighs

And though I close my eyes

I see La Vie en Rose

When you press me to your heart

I'm in a world apart

A world where roses bloom

And when you speak ... angels sing from above

Everyday words seem to turn into love songs

Give your heart and soul to me

And life will always be

La Vie en Rose

The lyrics are pretty and make you feel romantic - but I still like the French too. It feels romantic :) And when you dont understand the language, well thats when you hear the sentiment. Your imaginings create the scenery of the song ... 

Marion Cotillard, La Vie en Rose

When he takes me in his arms
And speaks softly to me,
I see life in rosy hues.

He tells me words of love,
Words of every day,
And in them I become something.
He has entered my heart,
A part of happiness
Whereof I understand the reason.

It’s he for me and I for him, throughout life,
He has told me, he has sworn to me, for life.
And from the things that I sense,
Now I can feel within me
My heart that beats. 

And really, I hope that when I take my last breath, I will not regret anything I've done.. or not done. Im 31 now, and there are already those little pangs.. which really are just longings and sadnesses - but when I'm 90 - I hope that all they are, are snapshots of time that I cant really piece together anyway. This will be my song :)

Non, Je ne Regrette Rien (I regret nothing)

Non, rien de rien, (No, Nothing at all)
Non, je ne regrette rien, (No, I regret nothing)
Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait, (Neither the good)
Ni le mal, tout ça m'est bien égal. (Nor the bad, they are
the same to me)

Non, rien de rien, (No, nothing at all)
Non, je ne regrette rien, (No, I regret nothing)
C'est payé, (It's been paid for)
balayé, oublié, (swept away, forgotten)
Je me fous du passé. (I don't give a damn about the past)

Avec mes souvenirs, (My memories)
j'ai allumé le feu, (I have burnt my memories)
Mes chagrins, mes plaisirs, (My sorrows, my pleasures)
je n'ai plus besoin d'eux, (I don't need them anymore)
Balayées les amours, (Swept away the love affairs)
avec leurs trémolos, (and all their tremblings)
Balayées pour toujours, (Swept away forever)
je repars à zéro (I start anew)

Non, rien de rien, (No, nothing at all)
Non, je ne regrette rien, (No, I regret nothing at all)
Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait, (Neither the good)
Ni le mal, tout ça m'est bien égal. (nor the bad, they are all the same to me)

Non, rien de rien, (No, nothing at all)
Non, je ne regrette rien, (No, I regret nothing at all)
Car ma vie car mes joies, (For my life, for my joys)
Aujourd'hui, (Today)
ça commence avec toi. (they start with you).

I suppose that while I'm here, discussing my own funeral, that I would like to be cremated. I want my ashes sprinkled in a rainforest. If it cant be a real tropical rainforest, then somewhere on Mt Glorious. My Nanna's name was Gloria. They wrote songs about her :) 

Can I even list 100 things about me?

Do I even have enough depth to do that? Here goes, .. we'll see when I run out! It will be interesting to see how I change .. or not ;p

1. I like to think I'm intuitive - and deep down, a little bit psychic
2. I enjoy a good fart or poo
3. I can speak German, fluently but not grammatically correct!
4. I have been enrolled at 3 different Universities and 1 TAFE at some point during the last 13 years.
5. I have a Bachelor of Arts in International Relations/ Peace & Conflict Studies.
6. I hate my teeth. One died from an abcess about 3 years ago. (is this two things?)
7. I have a short attention span.
8. I'm addicted to facebook games.
9. I'm short tempered.
10. I'm witty and love making people laugh.
11. I start things with big plans and ideas... and don't finish.
12. I think I can eventually charm anyone, though I have met people who didnt like me.
13. I want to be a wiccan and do magic. I just never got around to it.
14. I'm a loner.
15. I'm hairy, and probably don't shave enough.
16. I love getting lost in books.
17. I've always wanted to learn French and Spanish.
18. I'm researching my family tree
19. I really want to write a book, but don't know what to write about.
20. I really want to run my own business, but don't know what in!
21. Im studying Law because I want to make lots of money.
22. I have lost friends by being stubborn, and I miss one of them most of all.
23. My humour is pretty lame, but sooo funny.
24. I have an affinity with Germany, and until recently, I never really knew why.
25. I find medieval history really interesting.
26. I own tarot cards and runes, but havent used them in years.
27. My Sun, Moon, Mars and Venus are all in Aries in my eleventh house, and I really want to know what that means.
28. I love my Mum but she drives me crazy.
29. I'm afraid that line between sane and crazy will one day snap.
30. I think people like me, and that everyone gets me, though rationally this has to be wrong :)
31. I want to lose 37 kgs, but it feels like a pipe dream.
32. I like to argue when I think I will win.
33. I cant stand people who think they are better than me, but I still want their approval.
34. I'm not really interested in doing 'it'. I think there may be something wrong with me.
35. I had a whole bunch of bad experiences as a kid.
36. I feel a little bit rejected by my biological father for not contacting me.
37. I just wanna be high.
38. I want my kids to be squares.
39. I have a pixie ear.
40. I love squeezing pimples on other people.
41. I cant help squeezing my own pimples.
42. I am an interrupter.
43. I talk over people, but think they should be able to finish their sentence at the same time - I'm still listening.
44. Sometimes I just wait for other people to finish so I can talk - and I'm not really listening.
45. I'm partially deaf - this is true - ask anyone who has lived or worked with me.
46. I love good conversation with funny people.
47. I wish I had a snail mail pen friend.
48. My Nanna was the greatest person I ever knew - may she rest in peace. She visits me sometimes in my dreams.
49. I am a dreamer and used to really follow them, writing in dream journals. I should start doing this again.
50. I've always wanted to swim regularly - I gave it a go, but the water gets stuck in y ears and I cant hear anything for a few days afterwards. The only thing I haven't tried is a bathing cap.
51. I once took up running - doing the C25k program - but stopped because I was running in crappy dunlops - and will again when I get under 100kgs.
51. I was slim until I started smoking. Since then it has been up and down, in my 20s, mainly on the up ;p
52. I believe we all have more than one soulmate - and I believe I have met 4 of them.
53. I want to travel to Europe again, in my 50s. I think I will also go to South America then.
54. I am an attention seeker - this used to be in a 'look at me, I'm cool' kind of way, now its in a 'look at me, I mature and effortlessly cool' kind of way.
55. I know everything. If not, well I know lots of things.
56. I like to challenge people's views and offer different opinions or arguments even if I don't believe them myself.
57. I get offended when people think I am fake or insincere. They are two different things.
58. I dont see how I am a control freak, but apparently I am.
59. I have not given up on a dream of living and working overseas.
60. I believe in God, but more in a universal spirituality that binds us all sense. We just rationalise it in different ways.
61. Sometimes I rely on knowing the gist of things to get through exams.
62. I work well under pressure, but would work better if I started earlier.
63. Sometimes I'm afraid of the dark. I believe in ghosts, and have lived in 2 haunted houses - once as a kid and one a few years ago. That place wasn't threatening.
64. I like my butt - I dont mind it. Its the gut I wish i didnt have.
65. I think my eyes are my best feature.
66. I tell fibs, and don't think I've told a serious lie for years and years. Sometimes bending the truth can be rationalised.
67. I try to hide my true feelings to protect others' feelings.
68. I'm a ghetto snob. I think I am better than most of the people in my neighbourhood.
69. I'm insanely proud of my daughters' above average intelligence.
70. My kids are the cutest in the world. Other kids are cute too, but mine are seriously awesome.
71. I'm afraid of exposure. That people will see the real me. I get that insecure feeling sometimes when I reveal too much.
72. I purposely commit TMI. Its fun.
73. I'm afraid I will die and leave my children motherless. 
74. I hate doing housework. I can't be bothered. Don't wanna do it. Don't wanna get up.
75. I started going grey before I was 25.
76. Sometimes Allan makes me feel nervous in social situations.
77. I am addicted to Pepsi Max, havent had any since I went to the dentist last week. Actually I think that might be a lie.
78. I do have some regrets, they still leave me with a pang of sadness and I hope one day I wont care.
79. I don't think I have any personal secrets I havent told anyone.
80. I believe that one day, one of my descendants is going to want to know all about me and will think I'm totally awesome.
81. I have internet stalked people without them knowing it. No malice involved. Just looking.
82. I havent been properly fitted for a bra since I was 13.
83. I love music that moves me to my core.
84. I'm too afraid to do yoga or pilates in public in case I fart - because I have, from both places!
85. My middle name is Judith, like my grandmother. My daughters middle name is Michele, like hers.
86. I reckon my life would make a good movie.
87. I have a lot of pent up anger. Not sure anyone's suggestions will actually help there.
88. I used to wish my Mum was Cher and Dad was Alice Cooper - this was when 'If I could turn back time' and 'Poison' were in the Top 10 music charts.
89. I lose interest in people fairly quickly. Once they do something that upsets or shits e, I cant bring myself to care or really be good friends with them again. But thats ok, its probably mutual and I've accepted it.
90. I cant sing, but love to, and I think it is one of my life's greatest injustices.
91. I am a terribly funny dancer.
92. I'm spiteful and sometimes vengeful.
93. I often say things I dont mean and sometimes make promises I wont keep.
94. I sometimes hope peoples finance applications wont go through. Especially when they are young, or really obnoxious.
95. I don't think it was my fault at all for being homeless. Again, rationally speaking, this cant be true.
96. I swear like a trucker, a sailor, a whore or a bogan - whichever analogy suits you.
97. I am no where near as strict as I should be with my kids - and I'm sure one day I will regret this (even more).
98. I have a ginormous HECS debt. I don't even know if I will pay it off.
99. I would love to live on acreage somewhere, but still have a really high-paying job.
100. I really didnt think I would think of 100 things about me. Maybe I still didnt! I want to write more things cos there is more to me than the above :) 

The dreaming of Zenefertiti

I wish I could dream again... well I always dream.. but dreaming was so exciting once. It was a humble escape from those awkward teenage years, where life actually had promise and i wasnt dragged down to the pits of affordability and general strangeness.

Can someone really be odd? Or is the odd person the one who thinks the other is odd? Or is the odd person the one who thinks they are odd? Why would you want to be odd? Why wouldnt you?

I really admire the person I once was. I hated myself at the time, I hated my life, and couldnt wait to do stuff.... i blamed certain elements for some things and aspired to others to be something more. And yet, I still dont know who or where I am, but strangely enough.. there is a comfort in that I find rewarding....
There are diaries and dream journals from years ago, that I love to look through.. i scorn their simplicity while agonising over things that might have been - but better they werent.

one thing that has always been me is faith. Im not sure in what though...thats the oddity of this space im in... it was runes, it was tarot, it was dreaming, it was drugs, it was staying in your place... knowing your place and not moving forward, up, down or even left of centre... but something happens when you forget about the idealism and move on... something happens when your heart is broken and your dreams are achieved, no matter how elusive...

somehow in this place I have lost myself.. and I creep into the periphery sometimes.... wondering and tiptoeing, thinking how splendid it would be if i were to return with taffeta and earrings... with pnk and purple and the blacks and the greys...
there are some things to avoid... they are no doubt dredged up with those dreams... the doubts and the feelings that you must recognise before you can go to the next level....

why is it that some things happen? the fabric of life and love and hate and sadness is a colourful memory, maybe predestined but maybe just accidental... and when the threads come loose, and the shards of your mind start to fuse together in the strangest way.. maybe that is when that grey feeling fades to black and you can wake up.. refreshed and bewildered.. ignorant and happy.

its bliss

Dispute resolution with irrational beings...

Im currently sitting on my cheap lounge trying to keep the peace between my beautiful children... the conflict is all about Ben 10 and Blues' Clues... I personally would prefer Blues' Clues but little Ben 10 never gets his own way... There are sausages sizzling in the frypan, and the potato gems are in the oven, still a little soggy. Im going to have to admit now, Im not the best cook in the world. I had the oven on 150 instead of 230.. so now the sausages are almost crisp and the gems should be ready anytime now...

Monique (4) is holding the Blues Clues DVD to my neck, literally, hoping I'll crack and put it on the DVD player. Zeke (2.75) is defending Ben 10... threatening to scream... I am so over screaming....

We've just dropped Allan off at poker, its his 34th birthday today.. and I havent done a thing, except for eaten 1/3 of his birthday cake... with ice cream... yeah Im still on this diet, but I just have to get the birthdays out the way.... I'll get on the bike later... I've gained about a kilo in the last few weeks.. from overeating and not exercising... and I dont want to put it all back on! I made it to 9.3 kgs lost... the 10kg mark is so elusive.. i wonder why I cant summon up the self control to stick to it and reach it?

Blue's Clues just won.. "Stop stop stop" (interrupted by screaming)... they cant do anything without fighting. I raise my voice and say stop to stop them.. doesnt do anything. They usually settle in about 3 seconds... after one making the other cry. Sometimes I feel like the worst mother in the world. I have to go put some vegies on, .. just in an attempt to feed them healthily.

We drove past our old house on the way to poker... I was hoping to see if people worse than us have moved in there... not that i would inflict that on our former neighbours.. but I wouldnt mind if they reminisced about how quiet (never) or good it was while we lived there... It wasnt so bad when the grass was cut, and the broken down cars were out of the yard, and the kids weren't making me yell.. (cos really Its NOT me ;p)...

I received a letter today... my heart sank... My HECS debt (which they ironically refer to now as HELP) is currently $45,666... that is a lot of money. At the moment, that's about 2 yrs income. That combined with the various other debts that I have, including student loans, a personal loan and a couple of old utility bills would bring me to about $70,000 in debt.. (hopefully at the most!) Thats shocking! How am I going to get out of this financial hole that I am in? And raise two well-adjusted children? And somehow buy a house and start my own business? It feels totally unachieveable.... almost like.. what is the point? Ill be 60 and still paying it off :(

And to top it all off, Ive over eaten today, thanks to the birthday cake, so I need to go and sit on the bike for about an hour... poor me... poor poor me :(

hey its not that bad.. there is a roof over our heads, food in our tummies and enough milk till thursday :)

Everyone but me

Sometimes it feels like everyone is successful but me. I need to stop comparing myself to other people... and I need to remind myself that I am awesome and have achieved great things. I can't pretend my life is perfect.. lame! But i wish it was better.

Dont get me wrong.. I count my blessings. My kids are beautiful and healthy, albeit little psychos (seriously, they dont get it from me! SURE!) I have somewhere to live, food in the fridge, and a (kind of, but not really) free education... I just wish that I was better, more successful. Richer? Definately skinnier. A good mum.

I guess Im just procrastinating, freaking out cos I have an exam tomorrow night, and Im behind in my studying, and im tired. My landlord wants my parents broken down landcruiser out of the yard by next friday, and the mobile phone bought for me about a month ago is already broken.. thanks to milk.

I need to toilet train my kids, but Im not patient enough. Monique isnt really interested and Zeke is just a pain in the butt.

ok.. take a breath. No more whingeing!

I havent yet reported an awesome weigh-in result. .... I lost 2.9kgs! After my last post, I actually put on another 1.5kgs, lovingly, indulgently through Easter and my birthday.. But since the 6th of April, Ive been on an exercise kick... and last monday (12th) i weighed in at 101kg.. I was so happy about that! Still am, mind you. So I've tried to keep it up, and am hoping to break into double digits next monday.. we'll see.

I have also learnt a new recipe.. low-fat chicken parmagiana (how do you spell that?) .. its awesome and so yummy and soooo easy! chicken, ham, salsa and cheese... team it with salad, you really cant go wrong ;p

And Im going to start the couch to 5k program on monday.. running! well, a slow jog holding my boobs at first, but yeah.. getting there :) you know what.. im gonna go and get a picture of me now.. so i can see how gorgeous I am (;p) and compare it in about 2 months time.....