A letter to her... wherever she may be

Oh, Nanna. I miss you.
I was standing in the kitchen making the kids' and Allan's lunches for tomorrow, with the troubling thoughts of stupid school yard politics in my head and I just thought... if only I could hear the words of a wise old woman right now. And tears flow...

I remember sitting on your bed, Mothers' Day 1999 - and I had just turned 18. You had given me a necklace - a gold cross. Mum, Jesse and I had arrived and I was in trouble from Mum cos I was seeing Steve, who she hated with a passion, and I had lied about it. She had been yelling and screaming at me all the way to your place. By the time we arrived, my eyes were red and puffy. You took me in your room. You put your arm around me, as we sat on the edge of your bed and you just said "Is it worth it?" and honestly, I said no. It wasn't.

You were right. I knew that then.  And hearing you say those words, you are right now. I miss you. There is such a gulf between Mum and I.. I don't know what to do. I spent my whole life wishing she was like you. I wish to this day, that my kids got to have a Nanna like you. You were an angel who looked after all of us - you and your toolbox. :) You held us altogether. We were a family. And now, we really are all different ships in the night and I know that would make you sad. But I'm pretty sure you would ask us if it is worth it? Maybe not suddenly being together and spending holidays with each other like one big happy family - but is it worth holding onto the anger and resentment for things that have not been.. and will never be?

Of course the answer is no. But if you were here, she would come back. She would be a Nanna.

Finishing up the lunches, I remember that Pa is gone too - hopefully somewhere playing cards with you in the celestial heavens. I dont even know if you guys ever played cards - Euchre or Canasta or something. Its just one of those images that come to my mind. And remembering that Pa is gone, makes the tears flow harder.. like sentient beings that are running from my brain... let me go, they say.

I don't know how to let go. I look out the window at night, and see the park and I feel so alone. It's so hard to be strong when you feel so empty inside.

I saw you the other night, while I was dreaming. We were on bleachers somewhere. I had arrived with my biological father... I saw you, put my arm around you and said "Hey Nanna, how are ya?" and I kissed you on the cheek near your ear. Remembering that makes me feel happy.

I replanted your orchards too. They are now in two hanging plant things outside the window, between me and the park. I hope they bloom again :)

I love you. Don't worry about me. I will be at peace.

Your Darling Girl.