a grey shudder across the back of my neck

I have had one of those days. I feel yucky, raw and insecure about the social interactions I've been through today. And its just the normal, daily, nothing out of the blue type day for everyone else. I've been feeling the pangs of those 'why did that happen' or 'what is wrong with me' thoughts, feeling as though you are in that hole, and are being judged and scrutinised by people. Judged and scrutinised dont even feel like the right words. Its more like they are on the other side of a glass wall - and I am not one of them. I try to relate. But I imagine them thinking Im strange, or a wierdo, or too competitive, or talk about myself too much. And then I feel dejected that I do or am those things. I wish I didn't do those things. I feel derision. Their non-existent derision. And that secret is the quietest whisper of all.

Maybe I'm not those things. Hope.

Sitting here, assignment due, lids heavy, chores pending,everyone asleep. I feel like eating. Im thirsty too. I want to feel better. cryng wouldnt really help, the tears wouldn't come anyway.

....I think about the things in the fridge. toast. butter. I can taste. Imagine the taste.  I want the taste. A snap decision. But a little bit more. I'm still hungry. Why did I eat all that?


There has to be the possibility of change. There has to be a moving on. I can't stay here, in this dark place. It's lonely. It's sad. It forgets. Oh, to think about something else.

Where do I start? In which dimension is the answer? 

I need to cheer up. I'm bored with the sadness. I will forget for a while, ignore for a while, think of something else for a while. But it returns, and I am there again. I feel watched and threatened by society again.  I dont even have the guts to address the causes. I don't want to. Am I covering up for the fact that I don't know how to?



Where is this meaness and cruelty from? I am blank with the grey numbing exposure.