a kaleidoscope infatuation
ramblings of dreams
she dances in pretty colours
hearts bleeding from the seams

... look into that awful mirror and tell me what you seek?

your dreaming infatuation
has you falling apart at the seams

a kaleidoscope of memories
pieces juggling inside dreams
I remembered you in quiet moments

and forgot what it all means

the pacifist defiled

Anger
She eats away at me, seething.
Cold, calculating, rejected.
I feed her, I hate her.
A psychological aversion manifested inwardly
An authoritarian madness
eating me alive.
The insignificance of loyalty
from others, the significance
of indifference
I want to explode into poisonous fire
and ruin everything.
I can't breathe because it
hurts.
The futility of sense
A soul-destroying habit
I feel ashamed and brutal
She inspires me to give in
But I have gone too far- there
is no turning back right now.
And the indifference towards
self-respect, dignity, loyalty,
lies, cheating, injustice, selfishness
a sign of crazy times and
the growth that is to come.
I hate you. Everyone I love around you.
Your pathetic insecurities
I can't let you win
But no one seems to care.
No one has a problem.
And I begin to hate them
Their pathetic indifference
boiling down to the strength
of community
social niceties
Fuck You, narcissistic
sympathisers.
You weak informants
I hope you achieve never more than you least desire
Your existence is a curse
to the self-righteous
Your existence a tragic comedy.
I can't breathe for my
suffocation. A memory of
a dream.
A long established hope
The freedom of indifference
eludes me.
If I don't live for what I
believe in what is the point of standing?
An evolution of the mind.
The acceptance of hate as a
simmering conclusion.

...


They say depression is just hate and anger directed inwards. I cannot live like this and I will not die like this. For my own sanity I have to be free of the fringe dwellers. It is more than misguided or misdirected. It is all encompassing.

...

In me she woke that volcano that was dormant. An epic journey through lifetimes I do not have.
Her colour is red. Her colour is bruises.
I choose not to punish myself -
this is my mantra.
A passion ignited
The black with the white
My heart is shades of grey
A pinpricked cushion my life.

I have a tenuous grip on
the nonchalant
All I want is to be chosen
above all others.
I promise not to draw you in
But I need your rescue.

....

An exposure ignited
by reactionary authoritarianism
Take this rarity as my
jewel.
live and breathe as a
calamity.
I lay my heart in you.
Help me be free again.

...

My kaleidescope of drowning.
the wrong memoirs remain.

madnesses

Dull the ache of my madnesses

A smile returns

A fence made plain

Through wires he giggled

It felt secure

Passionate embraces are seldom enough

Contented in his arms

Breathing in the uneasiness of the truth

My life precariously rests on a flying carpet

We could never give her the peace that the drugs could.

no point necessary - egoism just is

Tonight I went to my first writers' group at our local library. I had no idea what to do, expect, bring .. wear.. so I did what any self-respecting, curious and 'most likely to be defined as unbalanced' person would do - I googled "what should I take to a writers' group?" I wouldn't mind reading all the questions I've typed into google's search engine.. would be like a travelling circus diary of my life ;p

I took some notes on a piece of paper I siphoned from Twintensity and thought I would post them here - because I, a. will lose this piece of paper and b. I feel inspired!

The plot thickens....

Tonights session was about plots.  

Some nice things were said about plots. They are the journey of the story. They are meant to test our virtues and highlight our flaws. 'We' being the characters in the story.

You start with your character - You begin with their traits. Their greatest virtue and greatest flaw.
Then do the same with their goals, motivation and conflicts. The story is about what the character wants, their motivation. You then add the conflict - external and internal conflicts that get in the way of the character reaching their goal. Often the conflicts aggravate each other.

Your main plot thread can be romance (non gender specific person meets another non gender specific person and they do stuff that doesnt offend anybody), crime/thriller (solving the problem) or adventure. Apparently there are hundreds more.. or maybe 80 I cant remember. I do remember in Film & Television in high school we learnt about the 7 storylines ... there are literally only 7 storylines in existence.. and the millions of movies, books, plays etc are all bastardisations of these...

The incidences you write about must thicken the plot thread. Sub plots help or hinder the main characters. If the sub plot doesnt serve a purpose .. leave it out. George R.R Martin comes to mind. I love a Song of Ice and Fire, but there are so many sub-plots, that I am sure I will read the series at least 2 more times in this life.

Learn to love writing Synopses  if you want to be published. These aren't the blurbs on the back of books; these are the pieces of paper that will convince an Editor to read or at least want to read your book. No secrets - just all out there in its' most naked form. Kinda like having to write a 1000 word mini essay on the Rwandan Genocide.

I think the consensus was that the synopsis is about 500 words. And in table format? I like tables. And white space. :) Its also our homework for the next session. We are going to write the synopsis for our dream book :) Mine would be a historical fiction written in a fantasy world. Yeah.. I'll give it a go :)

A few other things are written on this page, meant to jog my memory but now I think my undiagnosed ADD is getting in the way ;p I'll write verbatim...

• Incident points are not the plot - Pick 3 and flesh them out
• "candy bar scenes"
• Storyboard cards - editing
• Backstory - knowing the character. Why they do certain things. Make the character full, a round dynamic without doing an info dump in the novel.
• narrative arc - Harry Potter, Song of Ice and Fire. "World building"

Twintensity keeps talking about Stephen King's book on writing. It sounds interesting.. but by most accounts, probably fizzles out by the end. I never did finish Geralds Game. He starts his planning of his books with an idea of 'What if?' As Twintensity said... "What if a woman and child were trapped in a house with a rabid dog outside?" I really like that. It reminds me of something I read about the Snowflake Theory(?) .. Process? Template? You start with the conflict scene or the most dramatic scene in the story, and work your way out from there - you plan the characters, the 'scenes', the story.

Wait. Method. Snowflake method. :)

An honourable mention must go to the hidden gem tonight. I was enthralled by a prologue written by one of the members. I would read her story. Everyone has a story - you just have to read people to find it.

Copenhagen, Denmark

13th - 16th April 2001

it all started when at 3:15am this morning we boarded the bus on campus. Only having a few hours sleep beforehand, if any at all,our group of 12 was surprisingly awake. We had to wait about an hour and a half (possibly) for the bus to Copenhagen from Hamburg. It was freezing, possibly 2 degrees, and we had heard it was snowing here. We arrived about 10:30-11:00am, had all you can eat in Pizza Hut and then spent the next hour and a half finding the youth hostel, and checking in. Its a nice hostel.


 Judith, Jamie, Robert and I then went into the city, and looked around, bought postcards and took photos. Well, I mainly took photos. Or had photos taken of me! I'm so glad Im not feeling sick like last weekend. I enjoying here much more. It has a different atmosphere. I like it. Everyone speaks English - good because I don't know Danish!

Tomorrow we go on a ferry to Sweden, and I want to visit Christianhavn - hippy commune. Now to postcards and sleep. Goodnight! P.S I've already blown my budget. necklace - South American. nothing to do with Copenhagen! I've gone way beyond blowing my budget, but not too badly. I have one day left to explore Copenhagen.

Today we went to Christiania, where I bought a souvenier. Im now really paranoid, so I think I might go back there, to partake in the act of the souvenier. We all saw the castle, etc. Judith and I went to an Irish pub, after having lunch with Jamie and Roberto, and we met some English and Irish men who were interested in talking to us. After Jamie and Roberto returned from the Erotic Museum we returned to the irish pub. Pints are so expensive! Its Easter tomorrow, and I miss my family, but I'm happy to be here.

Sunday - Finding out the Ferry to Malmo was too expensive, Judith and I went with 3 others to find museums that were open. It was really really cold. We went to a Finlandia foto exhibition, good but too small ( not enough). Then we went to Ny Carlsberg Glyptotek., where later I realised I'd left y black bag of important documents inc Passport etc . I freake and was very lucky to find it. We went to Australian Pubs (once at about 1pm and then with Jamie and Roberto at about 10pm) We had dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe Copenhagen, and the bar manager was completely aggressive and rude to us, so Jamie and I complained, and Jamie and he began yelling at eachother, and ended up with a free meal.

 

Copenhagen is absolutely a beautiful city. and is a favourite. I recommend it. I had a really good time. Lots of photos!!!
Also visited Schwerin.

Berlin

6th - 9th April 2001 ... Staying at Let em sleep Backpacker Hostel, Prezlauer Berg


It all started when Berlin is a wonderful Stadt (Asli) We have a lot of rain gesehen (Judith) Und das ist alles (Asli).




After a late night last night (my birthday party) we have arrived in Berlin, after a muddled up train trip, battling lack of sleep and colder weather. After an in depth visit to the Reichsgebaeude, for an in depth view from the dome, we trundled to the Backpackers hostel, which seems to be in an arty part of Berlin. All our feet and collective legs are sore, yet we are going to dinner tonight. Berlin is modern, but grey and rainy. We all hope it brightens tomorrow. Bige says English is better than German. Bis spaeter.





Berliner Dom

Me,Asli and Bige, Berlin April 2001

10-04-01  For dinner on friday night we had mexican. It was delicious. The Italians are real party animals. Apparently they have a reputation for it. On Saturday, we went on a tour of the city. By the end all our feet were tired, and sore, but we didnt stop there! The tour was interesting, we saw the uni at which Einstein lectured, and the spot where the Nazi students burnt the books. We went thru a market, and I bought a Berlin t'shirt for $20.



Me and Judith, Brandenburg Tor

That night we went to the theater, and the play was real shit. It was so stupid and tasteless, and I felt sorry for the actors, who tried really hard. They were also using film projectors, and by the end, they relied on them too much. It went downhill from the scene where the main male character had sex with the ground outside his house. It was a pointless scene, it just made the character look disturbed.  Everyone hated the play. Afterwards we looked for a decent club, where we could party, and following the chboice of the swedish girl, we spent about an hour looking for it, and it turned out to be crappy. We ended up in a barcafe, like friday night, and then went home, tired and frustrated. I went hysterical on the train ride home, from a combination of stress, disappointment, homesickness, drinking beer, tiredness, the full moon and my period. (which arrived monday)

Judith, Me, Bige, Potsdam

Sansoucci in Winter with Heidi (in charge of us!)

On Sunday we went to a huge park in Potsdam, which is full of old castles and statues throughout the parkland. It was great, so beautiful, and exactly what you picutre royal houses and grounds to look like. I went to bed early Sunday night. Exhausted and sick with incredibly sore throat. Monday we went to the Berlin Wall, saw the 'topographie des Terrors' and the Mauer Museum at Checkpoint Charlie.

The Berlin Wall.

Berlin is a nice city, not my favourite, but definately worth the trip. You need more than one weekend to really see everything. The history and its aura are so strong, and I really enjoyed being there, although I was sick, so I couldn't enjoy it that much.

P.S Big groups (22 people) are a bad idea when travelling

....

I became really sick on this trip.. unfortunately. I think I ended up with tonsilitis. The fact that everyone smoked like chimneys didnt help. Every time we went to dinner or a cafe or something, people would all smoke, and the lack of ventilation would make every room a smoky one! I wish I had seen more of the night life while I was there... but following the Swedish girls was a mistake... shoulda gone with the Italians!

Im sure I would've liked Berlin more if I went there again. Being there for a couple of days doing walking tours is a great way to see the place, but its better if you have more time to absorb it, I guess..

I loved the castles at Potsdam. It was the first time I had seen castles and the like. They were built in the 1800s by the last Prussian Emperors (correct me if I'm wrong!). Friedrich II, son of Friedrich William I, must've had some kind of love for the ocean, and King Neptune. I remember the ballroom of the Neues Palais was encrusted with gold and gems and the them was King Neptune. Or under the sea or something. It was gorgeous. There was also a fountain in the middle of Berlin somewhere, of King Neptune. Which we crawled into and took a photo - it was winter and dry after all!

There were also memorials around the place - the museums about war etc. At checkpoint Charlie there is a sign that said in 4 languages "You are now leaving the American sector".. I remember getting someone to take a photo of me running away... with the sign above me :) Photo gone, but the memory is there. There were churches maintained as they were at the end of the war. They had a strange beauty to them.