the pacifist defiled

Anger
She eats away at me, seething.
Cold, calculating, rejected.
I feed her, I hate her.
A psychological aversion manifested inwardly
An authoritarian madness
eating me alive.
The insignificance of loyalty
from others, the significance
of indifference
I want to explode into poisonous fire
and ruin everything.
I can't breathe because it
hurts.
The futility of sense
A soul-destroying habit
I feel ashamed and brutal
She inspires me to give in
But I have gone too far- there
is no turning back right now.
And the indifference towards
self-respect, dignity, loyalty,
lies, cheating, injustice, selfishness
a sign of crazy times and
the growth that is to come.
I hate you. Everyone I love around you.
Your pathetic insecurities
I can't let you win
But no one seems to care.
No one has a problem.
And I begin to hate them
Their pathetic indifference
boiling down to the strength
of community
social niceties
Fuck You, narcissistic
sympathisers.
You weak informants
I hope you achieve never more than you least desire
Your existence is a curse
to the self-righteous
Your existence a tragic comedy.
I can't breathe for my
suffocation. A memory of
a dream.
A long established hope
The freedom of indifference
eludes me.
If I don't live for what I
believe in what is the point of standing?
An evolution of the mind.
The acceptance of hate as a
simmering conclusion.

...


They say depression is just hate and anger directed inwards. I cannot live like this and I will not die like this. For my own sanity I have to be free of the fringe dwellers. It is more than misguided or misdirected. It is all encompassing.

...

In me she woke that volcano that was dormant. An epic journey through lifetimes I do not have.
Her colour is red. Her colour is bruises.
I choose not to punish myself -
this is my mantra.
A passion ignited
The black with the white
My heart is shades of grey
A pinpricked cushion my life.

I have a tenuous grip on
the nonchalant
All I want is to be chosen
above all others.
I promise not to draw you in
But I need your rescue.

....

An exposure ignited
by reactionary authoritarianism
Take this rarity as my
jewel.
live and breathe as a
calamity.
I lay my heart in you.
Help me be free again.

...

My kaleidescope of drowning.
the wrong memoirs remain.