An interest

Someone expressed an interest in something I wrote when I was 16 ... Annika, I have put it here for you :) But then it brought back memories of other things i had written, and i wonder why i dont write anymore? Im kind of afraid to write these days, because the only things i have to write about are secrets and secrets can be too much for some people..

I used to write soo much.. i have diaries of teenage ramblings, sprinkled with poems.. some horrible, others sweet and others yet, not so bad... so i decided to look up an old website i used to use and ive decided to bring some of the stuff i wrote there here.. all in one place...

Im open to feedback, but only if you like it... :) My Mum makes an appearance below.. ive put it in bold so you know...Ive also written it exactly as it appears in the diary, spelling mistake and half-words and all... :)

10th January 1997

My pen is broken. Im listening to PINK FLOYD man they are so cool I can see bugs in the corner of my eyes & there are these little white stars on my floor & the walls are going in & out & I can see the air moving. I hope Aimee is ha This is so great. There were aliens & they left because wer we are on the same wavelength as them Mum told me & the stars are just so far away & I just want to say that the world looks sooooo (woo!) much more beautiful & we should just live like this all the time. Its like I cant write it all down but nose is running. M
Well its only 9pm one minute o.k. next
I was outside looking at the stars & by the way Im sweating like a mother fucking pig just refer to Pulp fiction Im so ichtchy. You will not remember this tomorrow. Its like im being stuck with pins shutup Mum & let me talk as I write on Mum you should write its such a wierd feeling Ill be reading this tomorrow & thinking wow was I like that or was it like that but I'll tell you now everything is sooo beautiful. hey man I know english & American & you just asked who was I cant stop laughing I have to stop this Im the music from down the road (Jamies) is making me sick. The look at the clouds every colour is changing. I writting my knowledge stop telling me were in a cardboard box. And its a big black piece of cardboard & the aliens have god or the superior matron like in a hos being hes pulling string Mums talking like Aimee I have mountains & valleys on my legs.
God is cool . Mike brady is on tv, I just had to write in down. Thank you. Duncan is so smart because he likes to stay in control. Mum thought unsolved my David Hass hoff has to go. Im going to stop writting Impulse is really blue foam. I know everything why can we just live like this all the time & my room has all these dimensions.
I dont wnat to forget anything the world is so pure. The world poor Julie. There is a reason for everything. I was riding a bike & Julie fell off & God gave her my fall. White stars on my floor Twilight Zone has true meaning of life Life is Twilight Zone every cardboard sky is a piece of cardboard with pin prick holes in it. I make so much sense. My mum is so cool she knows everything about the whole world.
Its 10:30pm & Duncan just said "Im a single Mum with a peodophile son" & that is the voice! I swear thats the voice! Life is so clean & so pure that I want all of the toxins out of my body. The toilet makes such wierd music. I can hear sound. I CAN HEAR SOUND! To be clean all you need is water and Acid. Acid Water! Wow! What a spinout. Its now 11:04pm & time is nothing because I can hear sound. I love Pink Floyd. This book is here & its saying this is me before & this is me now. The stars are so close yet so far away. Why cant we just live like this? We dont need sexual fulfilment & you can read buggar it!
Life is too short to hate.
Its now 11:30 time is going by so fast & there is so much life & other pleasures that I dont know. I dont know probably through BUddah or something like that. The angels on the front cover of this book know something that I have been missing out on all this time. For some reason I just dont care. It doesnt even matter before. I mean anymore. I should take up yoga. The sounds are so close yet thay are still so far away. We dont need alchol & shit like that man we have to be clean & pure like the divine force want us to be. I feel as though Im on the brink of knwoledge & that I know why is why . Well we do need that shit. To be truely happy in oursleves is the only way we can be truely happy in ourselves. But how can you bee truely happy. Everything is so small & everything is so big. Its now 12:20pm.
But maybe uts just that we dont need possessions we dont need money & hassles or the human body is such an amazing thing. & when you stop trying to make sense of everything, only then does anything make sense. The whole world is just one big contradiction. so big, its small. so loud its quiet.
YOU SEE EVERYTHING FOR
WHAT IT REALLY IS
EVERYTHING IS SO
INSIGNIFICANT

Its now 20 to 3.

I feel scared though it I write it down do i remember it? Who cares?

Dont need to travel you can see the world through your own mind.
Its always one more thing now.
Time is going so fast Everything is always moving but do yhou know because Light is the only way you see things. But Light is just an innate things.
Words & things buggar it
Everything is meaningless
Aware. You are more aware & knowing
Why?
Everything is just is.



At some stage I turned the above ramblings into a poem- but ive written above the poem in pencil, months later, that it didnt do justice to my knowledge...

Time is nothing
Because I can hear sound
The stars are so close
Yet so far away

Why cant we just live like this?

When you stop trying
To make sense of everything
Only then does it make sense
Its all so insignificant

Why cant we just live like this?

The world is one big
Contradiction
So big its small
So loud its quiet

Why cant we just live like this?

Dont need to travel
You can see the world
Through your own mind....