Embracing darkness

Maybe I shouldnt have made one of my resolutions to be more positive.. to perpetuate positivity in the hope it will make me a happier person.

It isn't.

I'm sick of being positive. I'm not feeling it. I'm feeling the darkness creep in.. ready to envelope me in those murky greys again.

So much shit has happened in the last two weeks and I want to know why. I want to be selfish and ask

"What did I do to deserve this? Haven't I struggled enough?"

How long does the low point last until things feel better again? What is wrong with me?

What is this illusion I've created?

Fuck You. And I mean that. A couple of weeks ago, I sat in a closet on a pagan farm, and wished that you would find peace. You need it. But its not you, its me. WTF?

How long do I have to struggle for? Why bother?

Im trying to blog it out, I want to tell someone. I want to be ok. How can I do everything I want to do, when I feel so weak inside? How can I possibly go on?

Where is that well of hope?

Im sitting here, in my dark place, my tears streaming down my cheeks. My back hurts between my shoulders, I can feel a pain there that makes me shudder.


I think of anti depressants. There is not much point. I think of solutions. They are so out of reach. I think of the near future and its a struggle.

 

 

And then hope starts to sparkle, somewhere in the depths.
It wont always be like this. Really it wont. Somehow, things work out in the end.

But I don't wanna wait till the end to be happy. I want to be happy now.

So I'm trying to modify my thinking. Be positive and all that. Thoughtforms and energy.  I need peace. I need to heal. And I don't see how that can happen. I'm stuck.

I remember once, about 13 years ago, I used to tell myself "I forgive myself for being human." Funny, huh.

And I remind myself, My Soul chose this life. But why? Why do I need to feel such emptiness and pain? I already appreciate the good things.

I guess I need to stop being so bitter and twisted.

Its passed now. I've worn myself out through my tears and self-pity. But it's not even self-pity - Its anger and frustration. Its gone now. The shit is all there. But now Im tired.

I'll still post this though. Its been a while- should put something up :)