I have started a new blog - in the spirit of all things new - years, shoes, obsessions, resentments and wishings....
it will definately be interesting to see what happens this year - something might. :)
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Saturday, July 17, 2010
The dreaming of Zenefertiti
I wish I could dream again... well I always dream.. but dreaming was so exciting once. It was a humble escape from those awkward teenage years, where life actually had promise and i wasnt dragged down to the pits of affordability and general strangeness.
Can someone really be odd? Or is the odd person the one who thinks the other is odd? Or is the odd person the one who thinks they are odd? Why would you want to be odd? Why wouldnt you?
I really admire the person I once was. I hated myself at the time, I hated my life, and couldnt wait to do stuff.... i blamed certain elements for some things and aspired to others to be something more. And yet, I still dont know who or where I am, but strangely enough.. there is a comfort in that I find rewarding....
There are diaries and dream journals from years ago, that I love to look through.. i scorn their simplicity while agonising over things that might have been - but better they werent.
one thing that has always been me is faith. Im not sure in what though...thats the oddity of this space im in... it was runes, it was tarot, it was dreaming, it was drugs, it was staying in your place... knowing your place and not moving forward, up, down or even left of centre... but something happens when you forget about the idealism and move on... something happens when your heart is broken and your dreams are achieved, no matter how elusive...
somehow in this place I have lost myself.. and I creep into the periphery sometimes.... wondering and tiptoeing, thinking how splendid it would be if i were to return with taffeta and earrings... with pnk and purple and the blacks and the greys...
there are some things to avoid... they are no doubt dredged up with those dreams... the doubts and the feelings that you must recognise before you can go to the next level....
why is it that some things happen? the fabric of life and love and hate and sadness is a colourful memory, maybe predestined but maybe just accidental... and when the threads come loose, and the shards of your mind start to fuse together in the strangest way.. maybe that is when that grey feeling fades to black and you can wake up.. refreshed and bewildered.. ignorant and happy.
its bliss
Can someone really be odd? Or is the odd person the one who thinks the other is odd? Or is the odd person the one who thinks they are odd? Why would you want to be odd? Why wouldnt you?
I really admire the person I once was. I hated myself at the time, I hated my life, and couldnt wait to do stuff.... i blamed certain elements for some things and aspired to others to be something more. And yet, I still dont know who or where I am, but strangely enough.. there is a comfort in that I find rewarding....
There are diaries and dream journals from years ago, that I love to look through.. i scorn their simplicity while agonising over things that might have been - but better they werent.
one thing that has always been me is faith. Im not sure in what though...thats the oddity of this space im in... it was runes, it was tarot, it was dreaming, it was drugs, it was staying in your place... knowing your place and not moving forward, up, down or even left of centre... but something happens when you forget about the idealism and move on... something happens when your heart is broken and your dreams are achieved, no matter how elusive...
somehow in this place I have lost myself.. and I creep into the periphery sometimes.... wondering and tiptoeing, thinking how splendid it would be if i were to return with taffeta and earrings... with pnk and purple and the blacks and the greys...
there are some things to avoid... they are no doubt dredged up with those dreams... the doubts and the feelings that you must recognise before you can go to the next level....
why is it that some things happen? the fabric of life and love and hate and sadness is a colourful memory, maybe predestined but maybe just accidental... and when the threads come loose, and the shards of your mind start to fuse together in the strangest way.. maybe that is when that grey feeling fades to black and you can wake up.. refreshed and bewildered.. ignorant and happy.
its bliss
Friday, July 2, 2010
The dick
My car has finally had the dick. I love that saying... when my mother first said something had the dick it took me a couple of minutes to realise what she meant. But she also used the term dic to refer to her dictionaries... She used to be really into crosswords, and often would yell out for me to bring her the big dic or the small dic. I found her small dic the other day while moving.. I put it in the car and kept it for her... :) She is now reunited with the small dic, but has left it on my dining room table...
I could see the proverbial dick coming for my car for a while... bless her rusted out soul... its an '87 Laser, and it used to run a lot better than it looked. Now it looks about how it runs! Or doesnt. The brakes had been going funny for the last few days, maybe weeks, I can't remember. A few times last week it would screach to a halt if i slammed the brakes on... I literally had about 3 close calls with the cars in front... I must seriously have angels watching over me... I really cant afford to pay off another insurance company.
Yesterday, after arriving home, from a 2 hour drive to BoganLogan and back, the car was hissing and steaming in a way that almost felt suggestive, like a "was it good for you?" type of way... but really it was like a "Phew! Made it!" Allan poured coolant in it.. I went to work driving a lot more carefully than I think I ever have... you know, observing the speed limit, slowing down well before really necessary, pretending you dont notice other drivers gawking at you as they pass to see whether your old, asian or a woman.... (surely im one of those)... And then when I got home, the car was at it again...
Today i was going to drive to Val's and return her True Blood DVDs (no not really.. but intention is as good as the crime as far as im concerned)... when I decided to fill the radiator, and found the coolant pissing out of a leak in the rusted out water thing attached to the engine. The hose was broken and yeah... the thing it attaches to is rusted with a hole in it...
I really dont think its worth fixing.. I just wanted to make it to the end of the month - tax time! I'll get a new old car.. hey, maybe even something built in the last 10 years! I'll be lucky if I can get $50 for it at the wreckers...
so as an ode to my white '87 laser... I just wanted to list the things about it I loved
1. The price.. I paid $850 for it, including rego.. with my tax cheque 2 years ago :) unfortunately the yearly rego was about that too.. worth way more than the car :)
2. The stereo.. still awesome CD player with remote.. oh good tines...
3. The fact that I would get at least 10km to the L of petrol... to someone who had never had her own car, I thought it was great! I never ran out of petrol once!
4. Other drivers would avoid me... Im not sure if it was because they found a better parking spot or not, or whether it was the big dent on the front right panel, the smashed out front right indicator light, the bumpy and dented bonnet, which I might add, the previous owner had sporadically spray painted over the rust, the playboy bunny sticker on the back window, the rusty front metal guard thing underneath the bumper, the sound of the car, or the fact that I would not make eye contact with them.
5. The thick rubber bumper... um awesome! I once ran up the back of someone (well it was more a bump that cost me $600.. yet to finish paying - end of july i think).. the impact is what caused the aforementioned indicator light to break.. but the bumper didnt even move :) I later (maybe a month or so) hit one of those waist high yellow cement poles while backing out (of course i was looking! ) and there was no damage whatso ever... or that i could tell :)
well I think I may just put her out of her misery.. i live near a train station.. its all good :)
I could see the proverbial dick coming for my car for a while... bless her rusted out soul... its an '87 Laser, and it used to run a lot better than it looked. Now it looks about how it runs! Or doesnt. The brakes had been going funny for the last few days, maybe weeks, I can't remember. A few times last week it would screach to a halt if i slammed the brakes on... I literally had about 3 close calls with the cars in front... I must seriously have angels watching over me... I really cant afford to pay off another insurance company.
Yesterday, after arriving home, from a 2 hour drive to BoganLogan and back, the car was hissing and steaming in a way that almost felt suggestive, like a "was it good for you?" type of way... but really it was like a "Phew! Made it!" Allan poured coolant in it.. I went to work driving a lot more carefully than I think I ever have... you know, observing the speed limit, slowing down well before really necessary, pretending you dont notice other drivers gawking at you as they pass to see whether your old, asian or a woman.... (surely im one of those)... And then when I got home, the car was at it again...
Today i was going to drive to Val's and return her True Blood DVDs (no not really.. but intention is as good as the crime as far as im concerned)... when I decided to fill the radiator, and found the coolant pissing out of a leak in the rusted out water thing attached to the engine. The hose was broken and yeah... the thing it attaches to is rusted with a hole in it...
I really dont think its worth fixing.. I just wanted to make it to the end of the month - tax time! I'll get a new old car.. hey, maybe even something built in the last 10 years! I'll be lucky if I can get $50 for it at the wreckers...
so as an ode to my white '87 laser... I just wanted to list the things about it I loved
1. The price.. I paid $850 for it, including rego.. with my tax cheque 2 years ago :) unfortunately the yearly rego was about that too.. worth way more than the car :)
2. The stereo.. still awesome CD player with remote.. oh good tines...
3. The fact that I would get at least 10km to the L of petrol... to someone who had never had her own car, I thought it was great! I never ran out of petrol once!
4. Other drivers would avoid me... Im not sure if it was because they found a better parking spot or not, or whether it was the big dent on the front right panel, the smashed out front right indicator light, the bumpy and dented bonnet, which I might add, the previous owner had sporadically spray painted over the rust, the playboy bunny sticker on the back window, the rusty front metal guard thing underneath the bumper, the sound of the car, or the fact that I would not make eye contact with them.
5. The thick rubber bumper... um awesome! I once ran up the back of someone (well it was more a bump that cost me $600.. yet to finish paying - end of july i think).. the impact is what caused the aforementioned indicator light to break.. but the bumper didnt even move :) I later (maybe a month or so) hit one of those waist high yellow cement poles while backing out (of course i was looking! ) and there was no damage whatso ever... or that i could tell :)
well I think I may just put her out of her misery.. i live near a train station.. its all good :)
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Dispute resolution with irrational beings...
Im currently sitting on my cheap lounge trying to keep the peace between my beautiful children... the conflict is all about Ben 10 and Blues' Clues... I personally would prefer Blues' Clues but little Ben 10 never gets his own way... There are sausages sizzling in the frypan, and the potato gems are in the oven, still a little soggy. Im going to have to admit now, Im not the best cook in the world. I had the oven on 150 instead of 230.. so now the sausages are almost crisp and the gems should be ready anytime now...
Monique (4) is holding the Blues Clues DVD to my neck, literally, hoping I'll crack and put it on the DVD player. Zeke (2.75) is defending Ben 10... threatening to scream... I am so over screaming....
We've just dropped Allan off at poker, its his 34th birthday today.. and I havent done a thing, except for eaten 1/3 of his birthday cake... with ice cream... yeah Im still on this diet, but I just have to get the birthdays out the way.... I'll get on the bike later... I've gained about a kilo in the last few weeks.. from overeating and not exercising... and I dont want to put it all back on! I made it to 9.3 kgs lost... the 10kg mark is so elusive.. i wonder why I cant summon up the self control to stick to it and reach it?
Blue's Clues just won.. "Stop stop stop" (interrupted by screaming)... they cant do anything without fighting. I raise my voice and say stop to stop them.. doesnt do anything. They usually settle in about 3 seconds... after one making the other cry. Sometimes I feel like the worst mother in the world. I have to go put some vegies on, .. just in an attempt to feed them healthily.
We drove past our old house on the way to poker... I was hoping to see if people worse than us have moved in there... not that i would inflict that on our former neighbours.. but I wouldnt mind if they reminisced about how quiet (never) or good it was while we lived there... It wasnt so bad when the grass was cut, and the broken down cars were out of the yard, and the kids weren't making me yell.. (cos really Its NOT me ;p)...
I received a letter today... my heart sank... My HECS debt (which they ironically refer to now as HELP) is currently $45,666... that is a lot of money. At the moment, that's about 2 yrs income. That combined with the various other debts that I have, including student loans, a personal loan and a couple of old utility bills would bring me to about $70,000 in debt.. (hopefully at the most!) Thats shocking! How am I going to get out of this financial hole that I am in? And raise two well-adjusted children? And somehow buy a house and start my own business? It feels totally unachieveable.... almost like.. what is the point? Ill be 60 and still paying it off :(
And to top it all off, Ive over eaten today, thanks to the birthday cake, so I need to go and sit on the bike for about an hour... poor me... poor poor me :(
hey its not that bad.. there is a roof over our heads, food in our tummies and enough milk till thursday :)
Monique (4) is holding the Blues Clues DVD to my neck, literally, hoping I'll crack and put it on the DVD player. Zeke (2.75) is defending Ben 10... threatening to scream... I am so over screaming....
We've just dropped Allan off at poker, its his 34th birthday today.. and I havent done a thing, except for eaten 1/3 of his birthday cake... with ice cream... yeah Im still on this diet, but I just have to get the birthdays out the way.... I'll get on the bike later... I've gained about a kilo in the last few weeks.. from overeating and not exercising... and I dont want to put it all back on! I made it to 9.3 kgs lost... the 10kg mark is so elusive.. i wonder why I cant summon up the self control to stick to it and reach it?
Blue's Clues just won.. "Stop stop stop" (interrupted by screaming)... they cant do anything without fighting. I raise my voice and say stop to stop them.. doesnt do anything. They usually settle in about 3 seconds... after one making the other cry. Sometimes I feel like the worst mother in the world. I have to go put some vegies on, .. just in an attempt to feed them healthily.
We drove past our old house on the way to poker... I was hoping to see if people worse than us have moved in there... not that i would inflict that on our former neighbours.. but I wouldnt mind if they reminisced about how quiet (never) or good it was while we lived there... It wasnt so bad when the grass was cut, and the broken down cars were out of the yard, and the kids weren't making me yell.. (cos really Its NOT me ;p)...
I received a letter today... my heart sank... My HECS debt (which they ironically refer to now as HELP) is currently $45,666... that is a lot of money. At the moment, that's about 2 yrs income. That combined with the various other debts that I have, including student loans, a personal loan and a couple of old utility bills would bring me to about $70,000 in debt.. (hopefully at the most!) Thats shocking! How am I going to get out of this financial hole that I am in? And raise two well-adjusted children? And somehow buy a house and start my own business? It feels totally unachieveable.... almost like.. what is the point? Ill be 60 and still paying it off :(
And to top it all off, Ive over eaten today, thanks to the birthday cake, so I need to go and sit on the bike for about an hour... poor me... poor poor me :(
hey its not that bad.. there is a roof over our heads, food in our tummies and enough milk till thursday :)
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Diaryland
Weimar
July 15th 2001
I remember a place
Where blue sky adorned an innocent breeze
and i fell in love with boredom
as though i'd never felt it before
I remember a place
where tales were told in the echoes
of unspoken time and mysteries unfolded
only to be lost again
I remember a place
where music invaded my ears
in a church somewhere in Germany
and I felt what i had forgotten
couldn't put a name to it,
if I did it would exist.
I remember a place
where my heart will lead to
carried on a fleeting dream
through ancient realities and
sweet uprisings of my soul.
Gillyflower
9th June 2002
hey gillyflower
i found this in a diary of mine. i wrote it last year while in germany. Imagine this: its cold. Id been travelling alone for three weeks, and id just arrived in Trier from Cologne, where i visited Robert. I had no jacket because up until the 1st of september it was warm and sunny. I was bored, and broke and really seeing the beauty in life......so have a read..will you put it on a webpage for me? when you have time of course. Use your imagination, let my writing inspire you..i cant wait to see what you come up with.
1st September 2001, Trier, Germany
Sitting in this pretty place, behind the palatial residence in Trier, I read a violently graphic American Psycho, its language a stark contrast to the bubbling water of an artificial lake. An icy wind wispers at the back of my neck, the hairs prickling and tickling until I feel it all over. Several statues of white frozen figures dot the end of the lake adding an essence of regality to the young trees between them. A beer garden is at one end, its holidaying customers laughing boistrously over their german cusine. Ducks sun themselves, clean themselves and preen themselves before curling up, sleeping in the vanishing warm sun.Tourists hoard around the front of the palace, taking photos and staring, perhaps at the white cherub branding a golden gun.The American Psysho sits by me on this white bench, his black cover with gleaming knife threatening to destroy the serenity of this garden. Some people sit in other benches, between other statues along this small artificial bubbling lake, canoodling or resting their feet, taking solitude from the obligation of strolling through busy saturday city streets. The air smells cold, i contemplate returing to my room, dangerously isolated with the cunning American Psycho. The sun appears, but from where? the sky is still a murky grey.
i read this and remember writing it so clearly!
Love ya heaps, Nicole
hey this is the second time youve been my inspiring webpage guru!
July 15th 2001
I remember a place
Where blue sky adorned an innocent breeze
and i fell in love with boredom
as though i'd never felt it before
I remember a place
where tales were told in the echoes
of unspoken time and mysteries unfolded
only to be lost again
I remember a place
where music invaded my ears
in a church somewhere in Germany
and I felt what i had forgotten
couldn't put a name to it,
if I did it would exist.
I remember a place
where my heart will lead to
carried on a fleeting dream
through ancient realities and
sweet uprisings of my soul.
Gillyflower
9th June 2002
hey gillyflower
i found this in a diary of mine. i wrote it last year while in germany. Imagine this: its cold. Id been travelling alone for three weeks, and id just arrived in Trier from Cologne, where i visited Robert. I had no jacket because up until the 1st of september it was warm and sunny. I was bored, and broke and really seeing the beauty in life......so have a read..will you put it on a webpage for me? when you have time of course. Use your imagination, let my writing inspire you..i cant wait to see what you come up with.
1st September 2001, Trier, Germany
Sitting in this pretty place, behind the palatial residence in Trier, I read a violently graphic American Psycho, its language a stark contrast to the bubbling water of an artificial lake. An icy wind wispers at the back of my neck, the hairs prickling and tickling until I feel it all over. Several statues of white frozen figures dot the end of the lake adding an essence of regality to the young trees between them. A beer garden is at one end, its holidaying customers laughing boistrously over their german cusine. Ducks sun themselves, clean themselves and preen themselves before curling up, sleeping in the vanishing warm sun.Tourists hoard around the front of the palace, taking photos and staring, perhaps at the white cherub branding a golden gun.The American Psysho sits by me on this white bench, his black cover with gleaming knife threatening to destroy the serenity of this garden. Some people sit in other benches, between other statues along this small artificial bubbling lake, canoodling or resting their feet, taking solitude from the obligation of strolling through busy saturday city streets. The air smells cold, i contemplate returing to my room, dangerously isolated with the cunning American Psycho. The sun appears, but from where? the sky is still a murky grey.
i read this and remember writing it so clearly!
Love ya heaps, Nicole
hey this is the second time youve been my inspiring webpage guru!
An interest
Someone expressed an interest in something I wrote when I was 16 ... Annika, I have put it here for you :) But then it brought back memories of other things i had written, and i wonder why i dont write anymore? Im kind of afraid to write these days, because the only things i have to write about are secrets and secrets can be too much for some people..
I used to write soo much.. i have diaries of teenage ramblings, sprinkled with poems.. some horrible, others sweet and others yet, not so bad... so i decided to look up an old website i used to use and ive decided to bring some of the stuff i wrote there here.. all in one place...
Im open to feedback, but only if you like it... :) My Mum makes an appearance below.. ive put it in bold so you know...Ive also written it exactly as it appears in the diary, spelling mistake and half-words and all... :)
10th January 1997
My pen is broken. Im listening to PINK FLOYD man they are so cool I can see bugs in the corner of my eyes & there are these little white stars on my floor & the walls are going in & out & I can see the air moving. I hope Aimee is ha This is so great. There were aliens & they left because wer we are on the same wavelength as them Mum told me & the stars are just so far away & I just want to say that the world looks sooooo (woo!) much more beautiful & we should just live like this all the time. Its like I cant write it all down but nose is running. M
Well its only 9pm one minute o.k. next
I was outside looking at the stars & by the way Im sweating like a mother fucking pig just refer to Pulp fiction Im so ichtchy. You will not remember this tomorrow. Its like im being stuck with pins shutup Mum & let me talk as I write on Mum you should write its such a wierd feeling Ill be reading this tomorrow & thinking wow was I like that or was it like that but I'll tell you now everything is sooo beautiful. hey man I know english & American & you just asked who was I cant stop laughing I have to stop this Im the music from down the road (Jamies) is making me sick. The look at the clouds every colour is changing. I writting my knowledge stop telling me were in a cardboard box. And its a big black piece of cardboard & the aliens have god or the superior matron like in a hos being hes pulling string Mums talking like Aimee I have mountains & valleys on my legs.
God is cool . Mike brady is on tv, I just had to write in down. Thank you. Duncan is so smart because he likes to stay in control. Mum thought unsolved my David Hass hoff has to go. Im going to stop writting Impulse is really blue foam. I know everything why can we just live like this all the time & my room has all these dimensions.
I dont wnat to forget anything the world is so pure. The world poor Julie. There is a reason for everything. I was riding a bike & Julie fell off & God gave her my fall. White stars on my floor Twilight Zone has true meaning of life Life is Twilight Zone every cardboard sky is a piece of cardboard with pin prick holes in it. I make so much sense. My mum is so cool she knows everything about the whole world.
Its 10:30pm & Duncan just said "Im a single Mum with a peodophile son" & that is the voice! I swear thats the voice! Life is so clean & so pure that I want all of the toxins out of my body. The toilet makes such wierd music. I can hear sound. I CAN HEAR SOUND! To be clean all you need is water and Acid. Acid Water! Wow! What a spinout. Its now 11:04pm & time is nothing because I can hear sound. I love Pink Floyd. This book is here & its saying this is me before & this is me now. The stars are so close yet so far away. Why cant we just live like this? We dont need sexual fulfilment & you can read buggar it!
Life is too short to hate.
Its now 11:30 time is going by so fast & there is so much life & other pleasures that I dont know. I dont know probably through BUddah or something like that. The angels on the front cover of this book know something that I have been missing out on all this time. For some reason I just dont care. It doesnt even matter before. I mean anymore. I should take up yoga. The sounds are so close yet thay are still so far away. We dont need alchol & shit like that man we have to be clean & pure like the divine force want us to be. I feel as though Im on the brink of knwoledge & that I know why is why . Well we do need that shit. To be truely happy in oursleves is the only way we can be truely happy in ourselves. But how can you bee truely happy. Everything is so small & everything is so big. Its now 12:20pm.
But maybe uts just that we dont need possessions we dont need money & hassles or the human body is such an amazing thing. & when you stop trying to make sense of everything, only then does anything make sense. The whole world is just one big contradiction. so big, its small. so loud its quiet.
YOU SEE EVERYTHING FOR
WHAT IT REALLY IS
EVERYTHING IS SO
INSIGNIFICANT
Its now 20 to 3.
I feel scared though it I write it down do i remember it? Who cares?
Dont need to travel you can see the world through your own mind.
Its always one more thing now.
Time is going so fast Everything is always moving but do yhou know because Light is the only way you see things. But Light is just an innate things.
Words & things buggar it
Everything is meaningless
Aware. You are more aware & knowing
Why?
Everything is just is.
At some stage I turned the above ramblings into a poem- but ive written above the poem in pencil, months later, that it didnt do justice to my knowledge...
Time is nothing
Because I can hear sound
The stars are so close
Yet so far away
Why cant we just live like this?
When you stop trying
To make sense of everything
Only then does it make sense
Its all so insignificant
Why cant we just live like this?
The world is one big
Contradiction
So big its small
So loud its quiet
Why cant we just live like this?
Dont need to travel
You can see the world
Through your own mind....
I used to write soo much.. i have diaries of teenage ramblings, sprinkled with poems.. some horrible, others sweet and others yet, not so bad... so i decided to look up an old website i used to use and ive decided to bring some of the stuff i wrote there here.. all in one place...
Im open to feedback, but only if you like it... :) My Mum makes an appearance below.. ive put it in bold so you know...Ive also written it exactly as it appears in the diary, spelling mistake and half-words and all... :)
10th January 1997
My pen is broken. Im listening to PINK FLOYD man they are so cool I can see bugs in the corner of my eyes & there are these little white stars on my floor & the walls are going in & out & I can see the air moving. I hope Aimee is ha This is so great. There were aliens & they left because wer we are on the same wavelength as them Mum told me & the stars are just so far away & I just want to say that the world looks sooooo (woo!) much more beautiful & we should just live like this all the time. Its like I cant write it all down but nose is running. M
Well its only 9pm one minute o.k. next
I was outside looking at the stars & by the way Im sweating like a mother fucking pig just refer to Pulp fiction Im so ichtchy. You will not remember this tomorrow. Its like im being stuck with pins shutup Mum & let me talk as I write on Mum you should write its such a wierd feeling Ill be reading this tomorrow & thinking wow was I like that or was it like that but I'll tell you now everything is sooo beautiful. hey man I know english & American & you just asked who was I cant stop laughing I have to stop this Im the music from down the road (Jamies) is making me sick. The look at the clouds every colour is changing. I writting my knowledge stop telling me were in a cardboard box. And its a big black piece of cardboard & the aliens have god or the superior matron like in a hos being hes pulling string Mums talking like Aimee I have mountains & valleys on my legs.
God is cool . Mike brady is on tv, I just had to write in down. Thank you. Duncan is so smart because he likes to stay in control. Mum thought unsolved my David Hass hoff has to go. Im going to stop writting Impulse is really blue foam. I know everything why can we just live like this all the time & my room has all these dimensions.
I dont wnat to forget anything the world is so pure. The world poor Julie. There is a reason for everything. I was riding a bike & Julie fell off & God gave her my fall. White stars on my floor Twilight Zone has true meaning of life Life is Twilight Zone every cardboard sky is a piece of cardboard with pin prick holes in it. I make so much sense. My mum is so cool she knows everything about the whole world.
Its 10:30pm & Duncan just said "Im a single Mum with a peodophile son" & that is the voice! I swear thats the voice! Life is so clean & so pure that I want all of the toxins out of my body. The toilet makes such wierd music. I can hear sound. I CAN HEAR SOUND! To be clean all you need is water and Acid. Acid Water! Wow! What a spinout. Its now 11:04pm & time is nothing because I can hear sound. I love Pink Floyd. This book is here & its saying this is me before & this is me now. The stars are so close yet so far away. Why cant we just live like this? We dont need sexual fulfilment & you can read buggar it!
Life is too short to hate.
Its now 11:30 time is going by so fast & there is so much life & other pleasures that I dont know. I dont know probably through BUddah or something like that. The angels on the front cover of this book know something that I have been missing out on all this time. For some reason I just dont care. It doesnt even matter before. I mean anymore. I should take up yoga. The sounds are so close yet thay are still so far away. We dont need alchol & shit like that man we have to be clean & pure like the divine force want us to be. I feel as though Im on the brink of knwoledge & that I know why is why . Well we do need that shit. To be truely happy in oursleves is the only way we can be truely happy in ourselves. But how can you bee truely happy. Everything is so small & everything is so big. Its now 12:20pm.
But maybe uts just that we dont need possessions we dont need money & hassles or the human body is such an amazing thing. & when you stop trying to make sense of everything, only then does anything make sense. The whole world is just one big contradiction. so big, its small. so loud its quiet.
YOU SEE EVERYTHING FOR
WHAT IT REALLY IS
EVERYTHING IS SO
INSIGNIFICANT
Its now 20 to 3.
I feel scared though it I write it down do i remember it? Who cares?
Dont need to travel you can see the world through your own mind.
Its always one more thing now.
Time is going so fast Everything is always moving but do yhou know because Light is the only way you see things. But Light is just an innate things.
Words & things buggar it
Everything is meaningless
Aware. You are more aware & knowing
Why?
Everything is just is.
At some stage I turned the above ramblings into a poem- but ive written above the poem in pencil, months later, that it didnt do justice to my knowledge...
Time is nothing
Because I can hear sound
The stars are so close
Yet so far away
Why cant we just live like this?
When you stop trying
To make sense of everything
Only then does it make sense
Its all so insignificant
Why cant we just live like this?
The world is one big
Contradiction
So big its small
So loud its quiet
Why cant we just live like this?
Dont need to travel
You can see the world
Through your own mind....
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