Im currently sitting on my cheap lounge trying to keep the peace between my beautiful children... the conflict is all about Ben 10 and Blues' Clues... I personally would prefer Blues' Clues but little Ben 10 never gets his own way... There are sausages sizzling in the frypan, and the potato gems are in the oven, still a little soggy. Im going to have to admit now, Im not the best cook in the world. I had the oven on 150 instead of 230.. so now the sausages are almost crisp and the gems should be ready anytime now...
Monique (4) is holding the Blues Clues DVD to my neck, literally, hoping I'll crack and put it on the DVD player. Zeke (2.75) is defending Ben 10... threatening to scream... I am so over screaming....
We've just dropped Allan off at poker, its his 34th birthday today.. and I havent done a thing, except for eaten 1/3 of his birthday cake... with ice cream... yeah Im still on this diet, but I just have to get the birthdays out the way.... I'll get on the bike later... I've gained about a kilo in the last few weeks.. from overeating and not exercising... and I dont want to put it all back on! I made it to 9.3 kgs lost... the 10kg mark is so elusive.. i wonder why I cant summon up the self control to stick to it and reach it?
Blue's Clues just won.. "Stop stop stop" (interrupted by screaming)... they cant do anything without fighting. I raise my voice and say stop to stop them.. doesnt do anything. They usually settle in about 3 seconds... after one making the other cry. Sometimes I feel like the worst mother in the world. I have to go put some vegies on, .. just in an attempt to feed them healthily.
We drove past our old house on the way to poker... I was hoping to see if people worse than us have moved in there... not that i would inflict that on our former neighbours.. but I wouldnt mind if they reminisced about how quiet (never) or good it was while we lived there... It wasnt so bad when the grass was cut, and the broken down cars were out of the yard, and the kids weren't making me yell.. (cos really Its NOT me ;p)...
I received a letter today... my heart sank... My HECS debt (which they ironically refer to now as HELP) is currently $45,666... that is a lot of money. At the moment, that's about 2 yrs income. That combined with the various other debts that I have, including student loans, a personal loan and a couple of old utility bills would bring me to about $70,000 in debt.. (hopefully at the most!) Thats shocking! How am I going to get out of this financial hole that I am in? And raise two well-adjusted children? And somehow buy a house and start my own business? It feels totally unachieveable.... almost like.. what is the point? Ill be 60 and still paying it off :(
And to top it all off, Ive over eaten today, thanks to the birthday cake, so I need to go and sit on the bike for about an hour... poor me... poor poor me :(
hey its not that bad.. there is a roof over our heads, food in our tummies and enough milk till thursday :)
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Diaryland
Weimar
July 15th 2001
I remember a place
Where blue sky adorned an innocent breeze
and i fell in love with boredom
as though i'd never felt it before
I remember a place
where tales were told in the echoes
of unspoken time and mysteries unfolded
only to be lost again
I remember a place
where music invaded my ears
in a church somewhere in Germany
and I felt what i had forgotten
couldn't put a name to it,
if I did it would exist.
I remember a place
where my heart will lead to
carried on a fleeting dream
through ancient realities and
sweet uprisings of my soul.
Gillyflower
9th June 2002
hey gillyflower
i found this in a diary of mine. i wrote it last year while in germany. Imagine this: its cold. Id been travelling alone for three weeks, and id just arrived in Trier from Cologne, where i visited Robert. I had no jacket because up until the 1st of september it was warm and sunny. I was bored, and broke and really seeing the beauty in life......so have a read..will you put it on a webpage for me? when you have time of course. Use your imagination, let my writing inspire you..i cant wait to see what you come up with.
1st September 2001, Trier, Germany
Sitting in this pretty place, behind the palatial residence in Trier, I read a violently graphic American Psycho, its language a stark contrast to the bubbling water of an artificial lake. An icy wind wispers at the back of my neck, the hairs prickling and tickling until I feel it all over. Several statues of white frozen figures dot the end of the lake adding an essence of regality to the young trees between them. A beer garden is at one end, its holidaying customers laughing boistrously over their german cusine. Ducks sun themselves, clean themselves and preen themselves before curling up, sleeping in the vanishing warm sun.Tourists hoard around the front of the palace, taking photos and staring, perhaps at the white cherub branding a golden gun.The American Psysho sits by me on this white bench, his black cover with gleaming knife threatening to destroy the serenity of this garden. Some people sit in other benches, between other statues along this small artificial bubbling lake, canoodling or resting their feet, taking solitude from the obligation of strolling through busy saturday city streets. The air smells cold, i contemplate returing to my room, dangerously isolated with the cunning American Psycho. The sun appears, but from where? the sky is still a murky grey.
i read this and remember writing it so clearly!
Love ya heaps, Nicole
hey this is the second time youve been my inspiring webpage guru!
July 15th 2001
I remember a place
Where blue sky adorned an innocent breeze
and i fell in love with boredom
as though i'd never felt it before
I remember a place
where tales were told in the echoes
of unspoken time and mysteries unfolded
only to be lost again
I remember a place
where music invaded my ears
in a church somewhere in Germany
and I felt what i had forgotten
couldn't put a name to it,
if I did it would exist.
I remember a place
where my heart will lead to
carried on a fleeting dream
through ancient realities and
sweet uprisings of my soul.
Gillyflower
9th June 2002
hey gillyflower
i found this in a diary of mine. i wrote it last year while in germany. Imagine this: its cold. Id been travelling alone for three weeks, and id just arrived in Trier from Cologne, where i visited Robert. I had no jacket because up until the 1st of september it was warm and sunny. I was bored, and broke and really seeing the beauty in life......so have a read..will you put it on a webpage for me? when you have time of course. Use your imagination, let my writing inspire you..i cant wait to see what you come up with.
1st September 2001, Trier, Germany
Sitting in this pretty place, behind the palatial residence in Trier, I read a violently graphic American Psycho, its language a stark contrast to the bubbling water of an artificial lake. An icy wind wispers at the back of my neck, the hairs prickling and tickling until I feel it all over. Several statues of white frozen figures dot the end of the lake adding an essence of regality to the young trees between them. A beer garden is at one end, its holidaying customers laughing boistrously over their german cusine. Ducks sun themselves, clean themselves and preen themselves before curling up, sleeping in the vanishing warm sun.Tourists hoard around the front of the palace, taking photos and staring, perhaps at the white cherub branding a golden gun.The American Psysho sits by me on this white bench, his black cover with gleaming knife threatening to destroy the serenity of this garden. Some people sit in other benches, between other statues along this small artificial bubbling lake, canoodling or resting their feet, taking solitude from the obligation of strolling through busy saturday city streets. The air smells cold, i contemplate returing to my room, dangerously isolated with the cunning American Psycho. The sun appears, but from where? the sky is still a murky grey.
i read this and remember writing it so clearly!
Love ya heaps, Nicole
hey this is the second time youve been my inspiring webpage guru!
An interest
Someone expressed an interest in something I wrote when I was 16 ... Annika, I have put it here for you :) But then it brought back memories of other things i had written, and i wonder why i dont write anymore? Im kind of afraid to write these days, because the only things i have to write about are secrets and secrets can be too much for some people..
I used to write soo much.. i have diaries of teenage ramblings, sprinkled with poems.. some horrible, others sweet and others yet, not so bad... so i decided to look up an old website i used to use and ive decided to bring some of the stuff i wrote there here.. all in one place...
Im open to feedback, but only if you like it... :) My Mum makes an appearance below.. ive put it in bold so you know...Ive also written it exactly as it appears in the diary, spelling mistake and half-words and all... :)
10th January 1997
My pen is broken. Im listening to PINK FLOYD man they are so cool I can see bugs in the corner of my eyes & there are these little white stars on my floor & the walls are going in & out & I can see the air moving. I hope Aimee is ha This is so great. There were aliens & they left because wer we are on the same wavelength as them Mum told me & the stars are just so far away & I just want to say that the world looks sooooo (woo!) much more beautiful & we should just live like this all the time. Its like I cant write it all down but nose is running. M
Well its only 9pm one minute o.k. next
I was outside looking at the stars & by the way Im sweating like a mother fucking pig just refer to Pulp fiction Im so ichtchy. You will not remember this tomorrow. Its like im being stuck with pins shutup Mum & let me talk as I write on Mum you should write its such a wierd feeling Ill be reading this tomorrow & thinking wow was I like that or was it like that but I'll tell you now everything is sooo beautiful. hey man I know english & American & you just asked who was I cant stop laughing I have to stop this Im the music from down the road (Jamies) is making me sick. The look at the clouds every colour is changing. I writting my knowledge stop telling me were in a cardboard box. And its a big black piece of cardboard & the aliens have god or the superior matron like in a hos being hes pulling string Mums talking like Aimee I have mountains & valleys on my legs.
God is cool . Mike brady is on tv, I just had to write in down. Thank you. Duncan is so smart because he likes to stay in control. Mum thought unsolved my David Hass hoff has to go. Im going to stop writting Impulse is really blue foam. I know everything why can we just live like this all the time & my room has all these dimensions.
I dont wnat to forget anything the world is so pure. The world poor Julie. There is a reason for everything. I was riding a bike & Julie fell off & God gave her my fall. White stars on my floor Twilight Zone has true meaning of life Life is Twilight Zone every cardboard sky is a piece of cardboard with pin prick holes in it. I make so much sense. My mum is so cool she knows everything about the whole world.
Its 10:30pm & Duncan just said "Im a single Mum with a peodophile son" & that is the voice! I swear thats the voice! Life is so clean & so pure that I want all of the toxins out of my body. The toilet makes such wierd music. I can hear sound. I CAN HEAR SOUND! To be clean all you need is water and Acid. Acid Water! Wow! What a spinout. Its now 11:04pm & time is nothing because I can hear sound. I love Pink Floyd. This book is here & its saying this is me before & this is me now. The stars are so close yet so far away. Why cant we just live like this? We dont need sexual fulfilment & you can read buggar it!
Life is too short to hate.
Its now 11:30 time is going by so fast & there is so much life & other pleasures that I dont know. I dont know probably through BUddah or something like that. The angels on the front cover of this book know something that I have been missing out on all this time. For some reason I just dont care. It doesnt even matter before. I mean anymore. I should take up yoga. The sounds are so close yet thay are still so far away. We dont need alchol & shit like that man we have to be clean & pure like the divine force want us to be. I feel as though Im on the brink of knwoledge & that I know why is why . Well we do need that shit. To be truely happy in oursleves is the only way we can be truely happy in ourselves. But how can you bee truely happy. Everything is so small & everything is so big. Its now 12:20pm.
But maybe uts just that we dont need possessions we dont need money & hassles or the human body is such an amazing thing. & when you stop trying to make sense of everything, only then does anything make sense. The whole world is just one big contradiction. so big, its small. so loud its quiet.
YOU SEE EVERYTHING FOR
WHAT IT REALLY IS
EVERYTHING IS SO
INSIGNIFICANT
Its now 20 to 3.
I feel scared though it I write it down do i remember it? Who cares?
Dont need to travel you can see the world through your own mind.
Its always one more thing now.
Time is going so fast Everything is always moving but do yhou know because Light is the only way you see things. But Light is just an innate things.
Words & things buggar it
Everything is meaningless
Aware. You are more aware & knowing
Why?
Everything is just is.
At some stage I turned the above ramblings into a poem- but ive written above the poem in pencil, months later, that it didnt do justice to my knowledge...
Time is nothing
Because I can hear sound
The stars are so close
Yet so far away
Why cant we just live like this?
When you stop trying
To make sense of everything
Only then does it make sense
Its all so insignificant
Why cant we just live like this?
The world is one big
Contradiction
So big its small
So loud its quiet
Why cant we just live like this?
Dont need to travel
You can see the world
Through your own mind....
I used to write soo much.. i have diaries of teenage ramblings, sprinkled with poems.. some horrible, others sweet and others yet, not so bad... so i decided to look up an old website i used to use and ive decided to bring some of the stuff i wrote there here.. all in one place...
Im open to feedback, but only if you like it... :) My Mum makes an appearance below.. ive put it in bold so you know...Ive also written it exactly as it appears in the diary, spelling mistake and half-words and all... :)
10th January 1997
My pen is broken. Im listening to PINK FLOYD man they are so cool I can see bugs in the corner of my eyes & there are these little white stars on my floor & the walls are going in & out & I can see the air moving. I hope Aimee is ha This is so great. There were aliens & they left because wer we are on the same wavelength as them Mum told me & the stars are just so far away & I just want to say that the world looks sooooo (woo!) much more beautiful & we should just live like this all the time. Its like I cant write it all down but nose is running. M
Well its only 9pm one minute o.k. next
I was outside looking at the stars & by the way Im sweating like a mother fucking pig just refer to Pulp fiction Im so ichtchy. You will not remember this tomorrow. Its like im being stuck with pins shutup Mum & let me talk as I write on Mum you should write its such a wierd feeling Ill be reading this tomorrow & thinking wow was I like that or was it like that but I'll tell you now everything is sooo beautiful. hey man I know english & American & you just asked who was I cant stop laughing I have to stop this Im the music from down the road (Jamies) is making me sick. The look at the clouds every colour is changing. I writting my knowledge stop telling me were in a cardboard box. And its a big black piece of cardboard & the aliens have god or the superior matron like in a hos being hes pulling string Mums talking like Aimee I have mountains & valleys on my legs.
God is cool . Mike brady is on tv, I just had to write in down. Thank you. Duncan is so smart because he likes to stay in control. Mum thought unsolved my David Hass hoff has to go. Im going to stop writting Impulse is really blue foam. I know everything why can we just live like this all the time & my room has all these dimensions.
I dont wnat to forget anything the world is so pure. The world poor Julie. There is a reason for everything. I was riding a bike & Julie fell off & God gave her my fall. White stars on my floor Twilight Zone has true meaning of life Life is Twilight Zone every cardboard sky is a piece of cardboard with pin prick holes in it. I make so much sense. My mum is so cool she knows everything about the whole world.
Its 10:30pm & Duncan just said "Im a single Mum with a peodophile son" & that is the voice! I swear thats the voice! Life is so clean & so pure that I want all of the toxins out of my body. The toilet makes such wierd music. I can hear sound. I CAN HEAR SOUND! To be clean all you need is water and Acid. Acid Water! Wow! What a spinout. Its now 11:04pm & time is nothing because I can hear sound. I love Pink Floyd. This book is here & its saying this is me before & this is me now. The stars are so close yet so far away. Why cant we just live like this? We dont need sexual fulfilment & you can read buggar it!
Life is too short to hate.
Its now 11:30 time is going by so fast & there is so much life & other pleasures that I dont know. I dont know probably through BUddah or something like that. The angels on the front cover of this book know something that I have been missing out on all this time. For some reason I just dont care. It doesnt even matter before. I mean anymore. I should take up yoga. The sounds are so close yet thay are still so far away. We dont need alchol & shit like that man we have to be clean & pure like the divine force want us to be. I feel as though Im on the brink of knwoledge & that I know why is why . Well we do need that shit. To be truely happy in oursleves is the only way we can be truely happy in ourselves. But how can you bee truely happy. Everything is so small & everything is so big. Its now 12:20pm.
But maybe uts just that we dont need possessions we dont need money & hassles or the human body is such an amazing thing. & when you stop trying to make sense of everything, only then does anything make sense. The whole world is just one big contradiction. so big, its small. so loud its quiet.
YOU SEE EVERYTHING FOR
WHAT IT REALLY IS
EVERYTHING IS SO
INSIGNIFICANT
Its now 20 to 3.
I feel scared though it I write it down do i remember it? Who cares?
Dont need to travel you can see the world through your own mind.
Its always one more thing now.
Time is going so fast Everything is always moving but do yhou know because Light is the only way you see things. But Light is just an innate things.
Words & things buggar it
Everything is meaningless
Aware. You are more aware & knowing
Why?
Everything is just is.
At some stage I turned the above ramblings into a poem- but ive written above the poem in pencil, months later, that it didnt do justice to my knowledge...
Time is nothing
Because I can hear sound
The stars are so close
Yet so far away
Why cant we just live like this?
When you stop trying
To make sense of everything
Only then does it make sense
Its all so insignificant
Why cant we just live like this?
The world is one big
Contradiction
So big its small
So loud its quiet
Why cant we just live like this?
Dont need to travel
You can see the world
Through your own mind....
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
mood:bored
No not really, but I was just looking at Hazel's blog and she writes about making a mood board.. thats such a good idea! The title of my blog today should be mood:procrastinating instead! I have much to catch up on at uni, but i have been exercising and am just cooling down.
I have started jogging! Would you believe it? I started the c25k program.. downloaded the free podcasts from google, a Robert Ullery made them... thanks Rob! Its bloody hard.. you are supposed to do three sessions a week, he has made 9 podcasts I think, so while I technically should be on week 2 by now, ive done my 5th session of week one. My calf muscles hurt so much (they dont now) and its a real push to move myself into each of the intervals.. but im pushing myself so I hope eventually it all pays off!
I can see the difference in my body myself at the moment, even if it is not visible to others - my legs are a bit thinner, and they seem a bit more lumpy, as though the fat breaking up and dissolving is causing them to look a bit cellulite-y.. cos i dont have cellulite! Noooooo ;p
My face is also a bit thinner, I think one of my chins has melted away, and my cheekbones are starting to peek through my chubby cheeks ;)
I am happy to say that I have lost my first 5.5kgs on the BLC program... so what Im doing is working. This make me feel really happy, as losing all this extra weight finally feels achieveable! I just have to keep at it!
I have started jogging! Would you believe it? I started the c25k program.. downloaded the free podcasts from google, a Robert Ullery made them... thanks Rob! Its bloody hard.. you are supposed to do three sessions a week, he has made 9 podcasts I think, so while I technically should be on week 2 by now, ive done my 5th session of week one. My calf muscles hurt so much (they dont now) and its a real push to move myself into each of the intervals.. but im pushing myself so I hope eventually it all pays off!
I can see the difference in my body myself at the moment, even if it is not visible to others - my legs are a bit thinner, and they seem a bit more lumpy, as though the fat breaking up and dissolving is causing them to look a bit cellulite-y.. cos i dont have cellulite! Noooooo ;p
My face is also a bit thinner, I think one of my chins has melted away, and my cheekbones are starting to peek through my chubby cheeks ;)
I am happy to say that I have lost my first 5.5kgs on the BLC program... so what Im doing is working. This make me feel really happy, as losing all this extra weight finally feels achieveable! I just have to keep at it!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
15th April 2010 at 101.2kgs
Omg, I cant believe I'm actually posting this... I dont have the guts to put it on the biggest loser website... or facebook! I want to put it out there somewhere.... so here I am ... there must be something wrong with my camera... you can tell by the split screen effect... and I dont look like that!
see you in about 2 months :)
Everyone but me
Sometimes it feels like everyone is successful but me. I need to stop comparing myself to other people... and I need to remind myself that I am awesome and have achieved great things. I can't pretend my life is perfect.. lame! But i wish it was better.
Dont get me wrong.. I count my blessings. My kids are beautiful and healthy, albeit little psychos (seriously, they dont get it from me! SURE!) I have somewhere to live, food in the fridge, and a (kind of, but not really) free education... I just wish that I was better, more successful. Richer? Definately skinnier. A good mum.
I guess Im just procrastinating, freaking out cos I have an exam tomorrow night, and Im behind in my studying, and im tired. My landlord wants my parents broken down landcruiser out of the yard by next friday, and the mobile phone bought for me about a month ago is already broken.. thanks to milk.
I need to toilet train my kids, but Im not patient enough. Monique isnt really interested and Zeke is just a pain in the butt.
ok.. take a breath. No more whingeing!
I havent yet reported an awesome weigh-in result. .... I lost 2.9kgs! After my last post, I actually put on another 1.5kgs, lovingly, indulgently through Easter and my birthday.. But since the 6th of April, Ive been on an exercise kick... and last monday (12th) i weighed in at 101kg.. I was so happy about that! Still am, mind you. So I've tried to keep it up, and am hoping to break into double digits next monday.. we'll see.
I have also learnt a new recipe.. low-fat chicken parmagiana (how do you spell that?) .. its awesome and so yummy and soooo easy! chicken, ham, salsa and cheese... team it with salad, you really cant go wrong ;p
And Im going to start the couch to 5k program on monday.. running! well, a slow jog holding my boobs at first, but yeah.. getting there :) you know what.. im gonna go and get a picture of me now.. so i can see how gorgeous I am (;p) and compare it in about 2 months time.....
Dont get me wrong.. I count my blessings. My kids are beautiful and healthy, albeit little psychos (seriously, they dont get it from me! SURE!) I have somewhere to live, food in the fridge, and a (kind of, but not really) free education... I just wish that I was better, more successful. Richer? Definately skinnier. A good mum.
I guess Im just procrastinating, freaking out cos I have an exam tomorrow night, and Im behind in my studying, and im tired. My landlord wants my parents broken down landcruiser out of the yard by next friday, and the mobile phone bought for me about a month ago is already broken.. thanks to milk.
I need to toilet train my kids, but Im not patient enough. Monique isnt really interested and Zeke is just a pain in the butt.
ok.. take a breath. No more whingeing!
I havent yet reported an awesome weigh-in result. .... I lost 2.9kgs! After my last post, I actually put on another 1.5kgs, lovingly, indulgently through Easter and my birthday.. But since the 6th of April, Ive been on an exercise kick... and last monday (12th) i weighed in at 101kg.. I was so happy about that! Still am, mind you. So I've tried to keep it up, and am hoping to break into double digits next monday.. we'll see.
I have also learnt a new recipe.. low-fat chicken parmagiana (how do you spell that?) .. its awesome and so yummy and soooo easy! chicken, ham, salsa and cheese... team it with salad, you really cant go wrong ;p
And Im going to start the couch to 5k program on monday.. running! well, a slow jog holding my boobs at first, but yeah.. getting there :) you know what.. im gonna go and get a picture of me now.. so i can see how gorgeous I am (;p) and compare it in about 2 months time.....
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