Where have you been all my life???

In a creepy way

I don't even know how that started, but she was there. And today it is her birthday. I still owe her a story that I was going to write for her featuring the colour yellow, a knife and two names of people she didn't know.. cos THAT would be creepy ;p There is a poem somewhere I wrote for her, and there are always little things that make me grin sardonically to myself... and if she was there, she would think so too.

That is definately one of the things I love about her. She gets me. It really isn't that hard. Some people just don't get basic humour. And in the back of my mind even now I can hear her saying 'Some people just aren't that deep' (to get, that is.. and she would be meaning me).

I'm really sorry I didn't go to your graduation dinner, especially after you delayed it so I would get there.. and sorry for using 'being busy at work all day cos you were graduating' as an excuse. That's pretty shit. And I think I know that really big news you wanted to tell me that time, but didn't cos I can't really keep secrets :) (I have gotten a lot better at that by the way!)

I remember one of my first thoughts when I met Madame JoJo - she was wearing a white tshirt when the uniform was CLEARLY black. I had been there two weeks, I don't even think I was in a proper uniform yet! What was she thinking?

There are special moments we will always remember - I have two words for you Jo.. Snot and Undies. :)

If you know me, you know I am an open book. Jo is like the sealed section you would find in some random cottage craft canadian Cleo type magazine. You know that something is in there worth reading, but whoever owned it before you ruined it, so the pages are stuck together :) Jo is an enigma wrapped in mystery inside something something. There is a whole world there I don't know, but at the same time, she knows everything there is about me.. which is kinda creepy - in a God like way. I'm sure she'll appreciate that. And she gets me.

There are so many things to write here - but Jo needs a whole book to do her justice. So i will just finish with listing the things I love and appreciate about Jo. Happy birthday :)

1. She agrees with me
2. She says 'love you to the moon' and 'bless her little cotton socks'
3. She has a hairy face
4. I'm pretty sure she uses the name Madame JoJo cos she once owned a brothel in London. In fact, from what I have heard, I wouldn't be suprised :)
5. She has crazy like I have crazy.
6. She can be the Hamish.. but I'll always be the Mary.

I'm sure there is more than that.. but Jo is not the only thing I have to do right now.

That's what she said.

Warm

In my cocoon I am warm
my aching mind feels peace.
The anxieties feel prickly but there is no need to perform here.

No one is watching
I stretch my toes and hold my body tight
The fear is beyond sleep
I rejoin the world tomorrow

My heart is numb and my voice rests.
I have nothing to say and no one to watch
I wish I could survive this peace with my memories intact.
Dreams come to heal me,
I'm refreshed by your smile.
Pain doesn't feel so bad afterall

Silence is my pillow
Clouds go by like tears
My cocoon is a pause,
a peace with the Universe

Soul reflection

I felt ready to look at this book again. I haven't been doing nightly lists etc, I'm more of the 'read it and think about it and it will manifest itself somehow' type of person. I have faith in the Universe - and am (sometimes un)willingly following its' plan. That is what this book is about.. I think.

 

Lesson #3 - Thought Creates

Your purpose - To Create Intentionally

 

Here I think I am a Journeyman - I believe in the power of positive thinking, though the Apprentice in me does get caught up in depression. I accept that my thoughts manifest into reality, and do try to keep them positive.

 

Something I definately have to work on is positive thinking. Not letting those doubts get in the way. Knowing that to achieve my dreams, I have to do something and part of that is to believe that I can. I have already proven this to myself. No more negative thoughtforms!

 

• Give your full attention to one thing that you love for an entire week. Um, can I decide which week that will be? Can I postpone it? There is other pressing stuff to do in the next couple of weeks - I have to devote myself to them. Maybe I can reframe 'essay writing' as a 'love of learning and intellectual challenges' :)
• Write down what is not working in your life.
• Keep a journal of your daily successes and how your thoughts, attention and intentions played a role. This could be my other blog - Zenefertiti loses...
• Write down one intention for the week, and focus on it for 15 minutes everyday. I actually have been wanting to meditate.. surely I can find 15mins a day to do this without falling asleep?

Lesson #4 - Feeling is the Fuel of Creativity

Your purpose - To Follow Your Heart

 

You know what, here I am going to claim to be a Journeyman too- the paragraph regarding their experience speaks to me more. It is about following your heart and being in tune with your feelings. Worry and anxiety needs to be burnt off through physical exercise. There is good stuff that comes out of drama, and I do get excited about things that speak to my emotions and creativity.

 

 

At this point I am beginning to get the gist of the book... and I'm interested to see where it goes from here. I have a few things to share about the Journeyman paragraph. The excitment and enthusiasm of something that speaks to my emotion and creativity? I have a secret here - I want to write a historical fiction based on my ancestors. The research is almost about me just finding myself - but there are fascinating stories and I would love to tell them... and I love writing - if people like what I write, they might like the book.. and then it will be a movie and a nice big acreage for me ;p

 

Also re the physical exercise - I have a history of anxiety and depression. This does not define me. It is a trap I fall into and climb out of every once in a while. I've noticed that over the last couple of weeks, I have been feeling less anxious, less negative... and I think that doing the c25k is helping - the running and expending the nervous energy is making me feel happier.

 

• Seek courageous and passionate companions to help rekindle your inner fire
• Consider all past failed passions as good rough drafts, and laugh at them while admiring your spirit.
• Do something courageous, such as taking a trapeze class, trekking on a mountain, or volunteering to help someone who is sick and dying.
• Do something physical every day.

 

Lesson #5 - Your Vision Creates Your Reality

Your purpose - Envision Your Life Beautiful

 

The bizarre thing that came up in the Apprentice section here was filling your mind with visions of disaster and knowing that you are only scaring yourself. I've done that. I also lust after other people's happy life memories and read about celebrities.. and I look at some things in stores (i.e Amart) or and imagine that one day, our lives will be like that..

 

 

I was suprised to see that. Makes you think in a synchrodestiny kind of way. A few times I have been at home or on a train, just thinking to myself, "what would I do if Allan or the kids were gone?" Seriously, I've been thinking it was part of my crazy - a fear of losing them. Lost in these thoughts, they feel so real, and I end up crying. The pain of losing the kids especially, or what a terrible person and mother I am for losing my patience with them - the pain feels real. The tears flow. The subconscious part of my brain knows this hasn't happened. The logical part of my brain thinks "why am I even thinking this, what is wrong with me?" but my heart explores those feelings and the images flash through my brain. It hurts.

 

And its something that I fall into just for a little while. I snap out of it. Yeah, maybe I'm in need of psychoanalysis there. But let's just keep that curtain closed for a while... I don't have time for crazy right now. 

 

I have envied others' lives.. and been caught up in comparing mine to theirs. Not just financially, but uni wise - I DID just spend 10 years at uni. I feel incompetant and like a bit of a failure, but I remind myself that I am tenacious, determined.. that mine is a story they could make a movie about. In the last few years I've started to wake up from this sleepy dream.. this is my life. My journey. I should be proud that I am here. Thank Universe.

 

• List the areas of frustration or disappointment in your life and notice the mental picture you hold about them.
• If you are maintaining a negative or counterproductive image, change it to one that aligns with what you actually want.
• Recognise how your ego tries to derail your vision through cynicism, distraction and drama - and ignore these sabotaging tricks. This was another thing in the paragraph - finding it hard to keep focussed on something.
• Fill your mind with beautiful images by enjoying nature and visiting museums, galleries, showrooms and shops filled with lovely, inspiring things. Study the look of your desired objects, experience, or outcome until you are quite clear about what you intend.
   



I'll come back to this book after visiting Smother next week. :) My intention for that week is to remain calm and not lose my temper with her. I find it really hard. She infuriates me, by doing nothing but being herself really. It's the nagging - the repeating conversations that does it. And trying to control what everybody does. Maybe I should step back and let her control everything. She wants to. I should let her! I'll have a holiday and let her look after the kids.  

 

 

 

 

 

Gimme Shelter

Yeah, a storm is threatenin'
My very life, today
And if I don't get some shelter
Lord, I'm gonna fade away

War, children, yeah
It's just a shot away, it's just a shot away
War, children, yeah
It's just a shot away, it's just a shot away, yeah

Yeah, now the fire is sweepin'
Our very streets today

Looks like a burning puppet
Mad bull lost his way

And war, children
It's just a shot away, it's just a shot away
War, children, yeah
It's just a shot away, it's just a shot away, yeah

Rape, murder
It's just a shot away, it's just a shot away
Rape, murder
It's just a shot away, it's just a, it's just a
Oh oh, rape, murder
It's just a shot away, it's just a shot away

Yeah, storm is threatenin'
My very life today
Gimme, gimme shelter
Lord, I'm gonna fade away

War, children
It's just a shot away, it's just a shot away
War, children, yeah
It's just a shot away, it's just a shot away, yeah

It's just a shot away, it's just a shot away
It's just a shot away, shot away, shot away
It's just a shot away, it's just a shot away
It's just a shot away, shot away, shot away

Oh, yeah yeah
Gimme shelter, yeah
Gimme shelter, yeah
Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah

 

I tell you love, sister
It's just a kiss away, it's just a kiss
I tell you love, sister
It's just a kiss away, it's just a kiss away

It's just a kiss away, it's just a kiss away
It's just a kiss away, kiss away, kiss away
It's just a kiss away, it's just a kiss away
It's just a kiss away, kiss away, kiss away, kiss away, kiss away

Oh yeah
Gimme shelter
Gimme shelter, yeah
Oh yeah, oh yeah

(The Rolling Stones)

 

 

A change in perspectives...

Our task for the Writers' Group this week was to take something we had written and write it from the other perspective. I mean, if you originally wrote it in the first person, to go and write it in the third and see how different it is.

There is probably a more articulate way to say the above, but sometimes it doesn't matter... its the vibe of the thing, man!

So I haven't actually read anything out that I wrote to the group yet, and I've been there a few times. Twintensity threw herself into it - and tonight she organised the topic. She read this awesome piece she wrote, contrasting her experience in the Peace Corps in Haiti and as a mother in Germany. It was beautifully done - she wrote about surviving an earthquake in Haiti and running off the road (car trouble) in Stuttgart. Lol First world problems.

(one day I will put the link here)

I noticed at some stage that the first instalment of Serendipity contains the first AND second person. I hope it flows... but anyway, I decided to write a little bit in third person - to give it a try.. mainly to have something to read for once. I almost didn't go cos I'm feeling buggared after trying to jog yesterday and I feel ill... tummy bug wise.

Anyway, this is what I wrote. And after you decide it's awesome, and that I'm really talented, let me tell you I wrote this in about 10 minutes about half an hour before the group started lol... maybe it shows.

*******************************************************************************

She sighed. Her body aching and sleep stealing away any motivation she had left, she knew she had to get it over and done with, and then she could really relax. Everyone was asleep and the night was no longer young.  But there were lunches to be made and uniforms to be laid out. The kids’ stuff could wait, but he started work before she liked to get up and she was still in the habit of making things easier for him. It was quiet. The fridge hummed. She collected lunchboxes and drink bottles.

After laying out the ingredients on the bench, Nicole began to feel hungry. No, she thought, I will be strong. Those diet lollies are good enough. No bread after 6. No carbs. The urge to binge was great. The photos of a happy family smiled at her from above. She didn’t really care. It was almost midnight, and there was still study to do. If only she could force herself to get through the rest of that reading for Uni. Maybe things would run smoother tomorrow.

***************************************************************************

The ladies liked it. One said the third person stuff sounded a bit poetical... she also whispered she thought it was beautiful and that she had been there herself. Another one liked it and said the first person stuff took you there, that it needs to be performed. As much as I love that my friends like what I write, it's also nice to hear that strangers like it too :)

And on reflection it was interesting to note, that to me, the first person Serendipity stuff was more of a bravado, a look at moiye type thing, whereas the third person stuff was a bit deeper and more honest. Maybe it was because the audience is different, or maybe cos I'm tired and don't feel like being positive.

Or maybe writing in the third person makes you more objective - its how you see yourself, not how you want the world to see you... Hmmm something to think about.

What I should really be thinking about are those two essays due in the first week of October - for Evidence it is about Hearsay. For International Political Institutions (or whatever the subject is called ;p) its whether state sovereignty should override human rights. They'll get done ... I think! Graduating in December..yaaay! Now THAT is motivation to get them done!